Thursday, February 14, 2008

efe hell!

hello Bury fans!

well hasn’t it been a long time? and so much has happened! not only did we get through the FA Cup without being thrown out, that guy with the deep pockets in his shorts returned, our commercial department got taken over by the little drummer boy and we sacked our manager and got a ginger one instead! now I’m no expert but somebody having the surname Knill can’t be good for the club but I suppose it’s better than having “we scored 4 at Chesterfield” added to our honours list.

i’ve been back home in Nigeria due to a family crisis (my sister apparently became pregnant to a man from another village so we had to stone her to death) so this is the first opportunity I have had to tell you about my remarkable story from Halloween in October. there I was just dozing on my bed in my student accommodation when I heard a knocking on the door.

i pulled on some clothes as nobody wants to be greeted by a naked black man at the door and opened it. to my surprise I saw Bury midfielder Byron Barry-Murphy dressed as a skeleton!

“trick or treat” he said in a creepy voice, similar to an Irish accent. i couldn’t believe it was Byron Barry-Murphy, the best ever midfielder to play for Bury and provider of so many free tickets!

“treat,” I replied “but it can’t be a packet of sweets, I can get them from any late night Spar around here.”

“no, no, it’s a real treat, not something as common as a packet of marshmallows,” he claimed. “on Saturday I’ll pass to one of my own teammates!”

i told him that I couldn’t wait until Saturday so I’ll have to have a trick at which point he pulled out his balls and attempted to do some kick-ups with one of them. having managed two and looking a little sorry for himself he said “I could take you a corner?” but I politely declined and sent his boney arse on its way.

today I was invited around to fan liaison officer Margaret Napkin’s house so that she could give me an insight into what it was like for somebody in her role. when I arrived there she told me she was a little busy as she’d just turned on her microwave to answer some of the fans emails.

later she informed me of the signing of Alan Sodje, a person I know very well from our days back home in Nigeria. his nickname was Efe due to his antics when he was young.

he was a bit of a tearaway and it’d be ‘Efe this and efe that.’ he was always efin and jeffin.

my uncle used to say “Efe thinks he’ll make it in football he’s gonna have a shock to his system. and take that daft hat off. they’ll think he’s gay efe wears that in Lagos.”

but I knew that Alan would have what it takes to become a football star. however, even I couldn’t predict that he’d become the first ever Nigerian to set forth on the pitch at Gigg Lane! a Nigerian playing for Bury FC? you just couldn’t make it up!

good luck Bury fans!