Monday, June 16, 2008

britain's got Rudi?

hello Bury fans!

it’s busy, busy, busy in Rudi’s world at the moment. just like the football season, my second year at university is coming to an end as is the supply of the only food I have left in my student accommodation, Push Pops.

i don’t restrict my life to studying though and recently went for auditions to appear on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ but was turned away at the door along with Sir Trevor McDonald, Will Smith and Ainsley Harriet. you may not know this but back home (Nigeria) you actually had to be a trained fire eater before you were allowed into school. if you weren’t, you were sent to the rough neighbouring village Clifferad. i was hoping to showcase my talents on ITV but they told me they didn’t have room for anybody else who wanted to put something long and firey into their mouth. when they did the Bolton leg of the auditions, that is all they got from the women there.

maybe I could get myself ready for the next series of X-Factor and sing songs about my tough journey from the ghettos of Lagos to urine covered streets of England? i’m sure that my song would be a hit and everybody could get down with their bad selves.

i am delighted to see that Bury have finished their season at the top of the third page on 326, BBC Ceefax. this is amazing and it is great that we have won promotion as champions. but whatever happened to Rochdale? i couldn’t spot their name on the page at all. have they been thrown out of the league for being permanently shit?

still, I’m sure if given the chance they wouldn’t let themselves down or embarrass themselves on the television, leading everybody into thinking that they actually had a chance but being revealed as being a far inferior team than their opposition.

before I supported Bury and back home in Nigeria we had a team similar to Rochdale. for about 99 years they had languished in the bottom division of our local league and their seven fans had all accepted that they’d be nothing more than they are now until one day a local vegetable grower flung the equivalent of £3.40 in their direction and they began to get cocky.

they claimed the revolution had started, stated that everything they had now was better than what everybody else had and the manager covered himself in bling and swaggered his way around the local villages and teams promising the better players glory if they joined him.

unfortunately for him though his wife was a whore and while he was busy doing this she’d got herself pregnant by a guy from neighbouring Clifferad who had promised to take her to his glorious two bedroomed semi in the capital Abuja. he was so busy sticking his nose into everybody else’s business he’d forgotten that he had always been, still was and always would be crap in bed.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

efe hell!

hello Bury fans!

well hasn’t it been a long time? and so much has happened! not only did we get through the FA Cup without being thrown out, that guy with the deep pockets in his shorts returned, our commercial department got taken over by the little drummer boy and we sacked our manager and got a ginger one instead! now I’m no expert but somebody having the surname Knill can’t be good for the club but I suppose it’s better than having “we scored 4 at Chesterfield” added to our honours list.

i’ve been back home in Nigeria due to a family crisis (my sister apparently became pregnant to a man from another village so we had to stone her to death) so this is the first opportunity I have had to tell you about my remarkable story from Halloween in October. there I was just dozing on my bed in my student accommodation when I heard a knocking on the door.

i pulled on some clothes as nobody wants to be greeted by a naked black man at the door and opened it. to my surprise I saw Bury midfielder Byron Barry-Murphy dressed as a skeleton!

“trick or treat” he said in a creepy voice, similar to an Irish accent. i couldn’t believe it was Byron Barry-Murphy, the best ever midfielder to play for Bury and provider of so many free tickets!

“treat,” I replied “but it can’t be a packet of sweets, I can get them from any late night Spar around here.”

“no, no, it’s a real treat, not something as common as a packet of marshmallows,” he claimed. “on Saturday I’ll pass to one of my own teammates!”

i told him that I couldn’t wait until Saturday so I’ll have to have a trick at which point he pulled out his balls and attempted to do some kick-ups with one of them. having managed two and looking a little sorry for himself he said “I could take you a corner?” but I politely declined and sent his boney arse on its way.

today I was invited around to fan liaison officer Margaret Napkin’s house so that she could give me an insight into what it was like for somebody in her role. when I arrived there she told me she was a little busy as she’d just turned on her microwave to answer some of the fans emails.

later she informed me of the signing of Alan Sodje, a person I know very well from our days back home in Nigeria. his nickname was Efe due to his antics when he was young.

he was a bit of a tearaway and it’d be ‘Efe this and efe that.’ he was always efin and jeffin.

my uncle used to say “Efe thinks he’ll make it in football he’s gonna have a shock to his system. and take that daft hat off. they’ll think he’s gay efe wears that in Lagos.”

but I knew that Alan would have what it takes to become a football star. however, even I couldn’t predict that he’d become the first ever Nigerian to set forth on the pitch at Gigg Lane! a Nigerian playing for Bury FC? you just couldn’t make it up!

good luck Bury fans!