again it has been a busy week for myself having just completed the first seven days of my new job. believe it or not, I’ve been paid £850 to be tied up to a couple of Rochdale fans, 24 hours a day as they went to work, showered, slept etc.
i say a couple of Rochdale fans, they were in fact the only Siamese twin Rochdale fans alive today and the three of us had a fantastic time.
you may worry that this isn’t the sort of career a Nigerian like myself should be getting myself into but keep in mind that prior to this I have worked in a toilet spraying Wilkinson’s aftershave all over drunken clubbers in Manchester and worked in a bar where I was treated like a piece of meat by the flirty female customers in there. they said “Rudi are you really rude?” whilst mocking my strong West African accent. the nicest one wasn’t laughing a few hours later when she was on her knees with her mouth full. she’d been sick eating my chocolate éclair.
anyway me and my two new buddies managed to bag ourselves a threesome following a night out at the Ritz but the girl turned out to be from Radcliffe and as I withdrew myself from our love making session I realised I was wearing a condom although I hadn’t been when I first penetrated.
i see that Bury manager Keith Alexandria is gathering together a crew of very tall and experienced footballers to help build momentum for his revolution. i think you may have spotted me at the Radcliffe friendly? i was the black one in the ground stood near a ‘large’ girl who claimed to be eating diet chips. she said “Hi my name’s Louise, what’s yours?” “Rudi” I said. “where are you from Rudi?” I told her Nigeria. She asked me if we ate a lot of chicken there and I said not really, we don’t like fat birds at which point she hit me. Mika is wrong. big girls aren’t beautiful.
i was particularly impressed with the Surridge brothers on the touchline although it puzzled me as they seemed to be of a different race to each other. they were ignorant too as I kept on shouting “Surridge, Surridge can you sign my balls?” but they ignored my request at which point official Bury FC webmaster Gordon Sorefeet came over and claimed he once had Adolf Hitler signing his balls.
i was then shocked to spot that we had a number of other players with Surridge on the back of their shirts and I reckon that should they get contracts this would become pretty confusing just like the rumoured last page of the Harry Potter books in which he gets eaten by dogs.
bit of a random ending that.