Friday, April 20, 2007

no regrets

hello Bury fans!

it appears that I have again upset a reader of my website with comments I made last week so I will of course apologise but it seems to me, a mere Nigerian, that perhaps a member of a rival charity was trying to detract from my own appeal to selfishly receive all of the money. that isn’t very charitable is it? it should be left to the individuals to make up their minds.

for the record, I regularly support charities and often drop cash into a bucket as I walk through Bury or Manchester on my way to university. sometimes though I ask for a little of it back when I’m on my way back to my student accommodation to pay for bread and the like. i may be a Nigerian but I’ve got to live too.

to show my sympathy for those less fortunate than myself, since I moved to England I have supported the following charities fairly often: -

Cancer Research UK
Meningitis Trust
Children with AIDS Charity
Bury Deaf Children’s Society
Tsunami and Earthquake Area Rebuilding Society
Comic Relief
Sport Relief
Hand Relief (the charity that helps to pair up gloves found left on railings and then donates them to Eskimos)
Blindvoice UK
Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV)
The Brain Damage Research Trust

as the season comes to an end I have begun to dread what could happen to the Shakers. when I first decided to follow them I thought it would be cool to be a fan of a lower league side who would then climb the table and I share in their glory. my friends have asked me if I regret choosing Bury and perhaps it would have been better to follow a team more successful this season such as Manchester United, Chelsea or Macclesfield.

i told them no. my only regrets are losing my virginity to the village whore (she was seeing a goat at the same time as me), throwing my vanilla McDonalds™ milkshake at a group of goths in a cemetary (it was actually a funeral) and pushing a deaf girl out of my way and into oncoing traffic because I thought she was ignoring me. i did say sorry though in hospital but she couldn’t lip read with bandages over her eyes.

i left her some grapes.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 13, 2007

time to bite back!

hello Bury fans!

we may be struggling in the league (we did okay in the cups) but this is a time to stick together. a quick read of the message boards show that many are still positive about this season and the likes of SuperBuryShaker should be followed and applauded. he’s just like the Dalai Lama. still, things could be worse.

a friend of mine lost a leg in a landmine explosion back home and everybody was devastated as it was obviously the end of his footballing career. he was a tricky left winger but unfortunately it was that particular leg that he lost.

some suggested that he could perhaps hop up and down on the right wing instead and whenever he got to the bye-line, somebody would be allowed to come on and hook in a cross. however the local league officials forbid this and that was the end of that.

still, he was a bit happier when the local tailors told him that they’d sell him trousers for half price.

so every cloud has a silver lining. i am thinking of emailing our clubs fans liaison officer Margaret Napkin to try to sort out an end of season party to celebrate or mourn what is yet to happen. this way I could meet up with some of the more established Bury fans and you could tell me some stories about our FA Cup final wins and promotions. obviously being a relative newcomer to the world of the Shakers I will have missed out on some of the glorious moments of our past but mark my words, I’ll be there for the ones in the future. Bury players, don’t mark my words as you’ll have departed and anyhow, you should be marking players. it would make a change.

today is Friday the 13th which I believe in England is a day of bad luck. you could say that if you were born in Nigeria or likewise Bolton, every day is a bad one but again, we like to look at the positives.

in my family, Wednesday the 18th was the day of bad luck so we vowed to stay indoors to keep ourselves alive on that day. unfortunately, after we’d bolted up the doors and hidden the key, we realised that we’d actually locked a tiger in our house and it ate my sister.

shit happens. Bury should learn from this.

finally, i believe that some Bury and Rochdale fans had a bet to see who would finish higher this season and the money would go to charity. i would like to suggest a Nigerian charity that this money could go to.

the charity helps to locate Nigerian tribespeople who are believed to have been kidnapped by Vampires and sold as prostitutes in Eastern Europe. and people say that the Brits get all the good stuff?

it is called ‘Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV) and I believe them to be a worthy cause so get donating.

good luck Bury fans!