Wednesday, November 07, 2007

television star!

hello Bury fans!

i’d just like to say thank you to Bury midfielder Byron Barry-Murphy who got me a couple of free tickets to a forthcoming away game. it’s not often that I get to go to an away match (unless Weymouth on TV last year counts) so I’d like to say thank you to Byron, who is unquestionably Bury’s best midfielder and without a doubt the best player to grace the club’s shirt in the history of our club. and what a history. i’ll always remember that free-kick I saw him score on Shakers World during the 3-1 win at Swansea City when David Nugent and Dane Bowers also scored. it was certainly the best ever free-kick scored and reason alone to include him in the side forever more allowing him to pick up his appearance bonuses and feed the girls he lets sleep over.

i’ve also managed to get some free tickets to a Northern Ireland Under 21 game from one of his friends, Mavis.

being a busy student you may be surprised to hear that I do find time during the day to watch a bit of the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’ which is a man who sits and shouts at scrubber families who have decided to air all their dirty underwear on national TV. sometimes they even choose who the father of a child is by simply picking a name out of an envelope.

many months ago I wrote to the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’ and asked if they would like me to be the first Nigerian to ever be shown on television, especially on the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’. to my surprise they wrote back telling me that they’d love me to tell my story of hardship back home and that they may even have a surprise or two up their sleeves for me! i told them it couldn’t have been that Sharon from Radcliffe who I met in Sol one night was going to have my child because I only did anal with her.

anyway, I had a great time and here is a short transcript from the show: -

Jeremy: Hello, this is Rudi Odebayo, a 26 year old student living in Manchester. Where are you originally from Rudi?

Rudi: Nigeria.

so as you can see it was shaping up to be a great episode! so watch it next week and just wait and see what happens at the end when I’m introduced to my goat bothering brother Obi who I thought had been dead for eight years! he’s still a knob though no matter what Jeremy says.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, October 26, 2007

the future's bright, the future's Radcliffe?

hello Bury fans!

i am delighted Chris Casper and Keith Alexandria have turned things around for this famous old club and we won twice at Rochdale within a few days! obviously that wouldn’t usually be something to brag about but nobody takes the p**s out of a revolution like Bury do! still, I’m pleased that our neighbours have been able to celebrate something during their centenary/revolution year with a 2-1 win at Grimsby. so the signs are good that they’ll be able to enjoy another moderate campaign.

i remember once when local rebels tried to take control of my village back in Nigeria but we defended ourselves by claiming that ALL of the female population had slept with at least one guy from Radcliffe. they turned around in horror and drove their tanks and goats out of town.

you may have been wondering where I have been recently? well of course returning to university in my final year has been extremely tiring and busy. it is hard work moving pot noodles off my bed and reading Shakers MSN text service messages about Lee Bullock whilst doggy styling some freshers totty.

still, I have managed to have some fun in recent weeks. i met a girl at a fairground who looked a bit like Dawn French. she was sat in a little tent. she told me she had a special skill and was training to be a medium. i said by the looks of it you’ve got a long way to go. you’ve got to be a size 16 at least?“ “I knew you were going to say that” she replied.

she did however tell me that we would be taken over by a magnet. that’ll make us a force to be reckoned with.

i heard that former Shaker Dave Esdaile is planning a takeover of the club and billionaire Dean Handyman is going to buy us some new players in January. also I heard that we may be moving to a new purpose built stadium (2500 capacity) in an unnamed area of Bury (probably Radcliffe).

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

children of the revolution

hello Bury fans!

wow! fourth place in the table and I’ve missed it all as i’ve been to a few music festivals recently and thoroughly enjoyed sleeping in mud and piss. reminded me of being back home in Nigeria but we didn’t need music as an excuse to go next door and have a shit.

that was the problem in regards to youngsters learning to play football in the villages of my home country. most places had a football pitch but they were covered in excrement, dead animals and cannibals. so just like in Rochdale, we found it difficult to find a place to train.

the range of t-shirts at the music festivals has been tremendous. they ranged from the retro tight brown skinny fit with pictures of Bob Marley or the Beatles to more modern types with the Killers or Snow Patrol written across the front. i even saw somebody wearing a
King Sunny Ade t-shirt, perhaps the most famous Nigerian singer ever to leave the country. his 'Odu' album was nominated for Best World Music album at the Grammy awards in 1999. but that’s history now and I fully embrace the more modern European forms of music.

one t-shirt did puzzle me though. on the back it said AFC Rochdale (a possible attempt to get their name to the top of a league table at some point in a season?) but as I went around to the front to get a better look it said “Keith Hill took us to 9th place. Long live Keith Hill.”

the young lad, no more than 13 or 14 years old caught me staring at his t-shirt and spitting red stripe out at me he said in a thick Rochdale accent “Yeah? Yeah? It’s a revulsion!”

one night I was sat outside my tent when this beautiful girl strolled past with a can of cider in her hand. i stopped her as she almost sat down on my Ginsters® Cornish pasty. within minutes I thought she was infatuated with me as she couldn’t take her eyes off this black knight. she really was a stunner. we don’t have that sort of girl back home in Nigeria, most of them either don’t, can’t or aren’t allowed to wash.

we continued chatting. thoughts of my girl back in Manchester were gone and I said “had the price of looking at your eyes been blindness…I would have looked.” she looked at me in horror. “i had no f**king choice” she screamed, “I was born this way” at which point she tried to get up and stumbled away with her dog.

i saw that same dog an hour later, humping the leg of the teenage boy I’d met earlier on. i don’t think he could believe his luck.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, July 20, 2007

potter spoiled!

hello Bury fans!

again it has been a busy week for myself having just completed the first seven days of my new job. believe it or not, I’ve been paid £850 to be tied up to a couple of Rochdale fans, 24 hours a day as they went to work, showered, slept etc.

i say a couple of Rochdale fans, they were in fact the only Siamese twin Rochdale fans alive today and the three of us had a fantastic time.

you may worry that this isn’t the sort of career a Nigerian like myself should be getting myself into but keep in mind that prior to this I have worked in a toilet spraying Wilkinson’s aftershave all over drunken clubbers in Manchester and worked in a bar where I was treated like a piece of meat by the flirty female customers in there. they said “Rudi are you really rude?” whilst mocking my strong West African accent. the nicest one wasn’t laughing a few hours later when she was on her knees with her mouth full. she’d been sick eating my chocolate éclair.

anyway me and my two new buddies managed to bag ourselves a threesome following a night out at the Ritz but the girl turned out to be from Radcliffe and as I withdrew myself from our love making session I realised I was wearing a condom although I hadn’t been when I first penetrated.

i see that Bury manager Keith Alexandria is gathering together a crew of very tall and experienced footballers to help build momentum for his revolution. i think you may have spotted me at the Radcliffe friendly? i was the black one in the ground stood near a ‘large’ girl who claimed to be eating diet chips. she said “Hi my name’s Louise, what’s yours?” “Rudi” I said. “where are you from Rudi?” I told her Nigeria. She asked me if we ate a lot of chicken there and I said not really, we don’t like fat birds at which point she hit me. Mika is wrong. big girls aren’t beautiful.

i was particularly impressed with the Surridge brothers on the touchline although it puzzled me as they seemed to be of a different race to each other. they were ignorant too as I kept on shouting “Surridge, Surridge can you sign my balls?” but they ignored my request at which point official Bury FC webmaster Gordon Sorefeet came over and claimed he once had Adolf Hitler signing his balls.

i was then shocked to spot that we had a number of other players with Surridge on the back of their shirts and I reckon that should they get contracts this would become pretty confusing just like the rumoured last page of the Harry Potter books in which he gets eaten by dogs.

bit of a random ending that.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, June 29, 2007

no to Nigerians!

hello Bury fans!
i have just got home to hear that Nigerian legend Akanji Murphy is on trial at Bury! ever since Keith Alexandria’s arrival and his promise of long balls I’ve been writing letter after letter to try and get a trial at Gigg Lane but he’s been more occupied trying to get the that pisshead Tom Kennedy out of the club and away from the bright lights of the town.

it disappoints me that Nigerian legend Akanji Murphy could well become the first ever Nigerian at Gigg Lane as I was lead to believe that I had to sleep with at least five English women before I would be permitted a trial at the club, just like Akanji’s brother Barry Murphy did.

i’m a bit confused though as Brian and Akanji quite clearly aren’t from the same mother and Akanji (or was it Barry) claims he wants to move closer to his home in Ireland.

now I’ve heard plenty of rumours, not just about Kennedy but that some of the other Bury players have problems ‘behind the scenes’. i believe this to be that some have clashed with others about them being homosexual? could this be why the likes of Marc Pugh and Tom Kennedy were dropped and are now playing for the other side?

i have seen that official webmaster Gordon Sorefeet has been asking for suggestions to improve the new website. perhaps he could include a section were we can report any sightings of Bury players behaving inappropriately such as drinking after training or bumming on Goshen? maybe we should have a message board vote to have the final decision over whether we believe them to be a raging homo or not?

i have sent Akanji an e-mail recommending that he doesn’t surround himself with this sort and warned him that if you join Bury, they are all tight arses. i also warned him that right now, we’re a bit shit and he’ll have to pin or stand all of the awards he’s won in Malta up against the goal to do the work of the lack of team mates he currently has.

having said that I’ve just spotted we’ve signed Ben Fucker from Peterborough Utd? i have been told that he is 7 foot 6 inches? i had a team-mate for the football team I played for back home in Nigeria (my home) who was rumoured to be 8 foot tall. he became a soldier for the Nigerian army but was killed when he was shot in the head when he was kneeling down in a bunker.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 20, 2007

no regrets

hello Bury fans!

it appears that I have again upset a reader of my website with comments I made last week so I will of course apologise but it seems to me, a mere Nigerian, that perhaps a member of a rival charity was trying to detract from my own appeal to selfishly receive all of the money. that isn’t very charitable is it? it should be left to the individuals to make up their minds.

for the record, I regularly support charities and often drop cash into a bucket as I walk through Bury or Manchester on my way to university. sometimes though I ask for a little of it back when I’m on my way back to my student accommodation to pay for bread and the like. i may be a Nigerian but I’ve got to live too.

to show my sympathy for those less fortunate than myself, since I moved to England I have supported the following charities fairly often: -

Cancer Research UK
Meningitis Trust
Children with AIDS Charity
Bury Deaf Children’s Society
Tsunami and Earthquake Area Rebuilding Society
Comic Relief
Sport Relief
Hand Relief (the charity that helps to pair up gloves found left on railings and then donates them to Eskimos)
Blindvoice UK
Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV)
The Brain Damage Research Trust

as the season comes to an end I have begun to dread what could happen to the Shakers. when I first decided to follow them I thought it would be cool to be a fan of a lower league side who would then climb the table and I share in their glory. my friends have asked me if I regret choosing Bury and perhaps it would have been better to follow a team more successful this season such as Manchester United, Chelsea or Macclesfield.

i told them no. my only regrets are losing my virginity to the village whore (she was seeing a goat at the same time as me), throwing my vanilla McDonalds™ milkshake at a group of goths in a cemetary (it was actually a funeral) and pushing a deaf girl out of my way and into oncoing traffic because I thought she was ignoring me. i did say sorry though in hospital but she couldn’t lip read with bandages over her eyes.

i left her some grapes.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 13, 2007

time to bite back!

hello Bury fans!

we may be struggling in the league (we did okay in the cups) but this is a time to stick together. a quick read of the message boards show that many are still positive about this season and the likes of SuperBuryShaker should be followed and applauded. he’s just like the Dalai Lama. still, things could be worse.

a friend of mine lost a leg in a landmine explosion back home and everybody was devastated as it was obviously the end of his footballing career. he was a tricky left winger but unfortunately it was that particular leg that he lost.

some suggested that he could perhaps hop up and down on the right wing instead and whenever he got to the bye-line, somebody would be allowed to come on and hook in a cross. however the local league officials forbid this and that was the end of that.

still, he was a bit happier when the local tailors told him that they’d sell him trousers for half price.

so every cloud has a silver lining. i am thinking of emailing our clubs fans liaison officer Margaret Napkin to try to sort out an end of season party to celebrate or mourn what is yet to happen. this way I could meet up with some of the more established Bury fans and you could tell me some stories about our FA Cup final wins and promotions. obviously being a relative newcomer to the world of the Shakers I will have missed out on some of the glorious moments of our past but mark my words, I’ll be there for the ones in the future. Bury players, don’t mark my words as you’ll have departed and anyhow, you should be marking players. it would make a change.

today is Friday the 13th which I believe in England is a day of bad luck. you could say that if you were born in Nigeria or likewise Bolton, every day is a bad one but again, we like to look at the positives.

in my family, Wednesday the 18th was the day of bad luck so we vowed to stay indoors to keep ourselves alive on that day. unfortunately, after we’d bolted up the doors and hidden the key, we realised that we’d actually locked a tiger in our house and it ate my sister.

shit happens. Bury should learn from this.

finally, i believe that some Bury and Rochdale fans had a bet to see who would finish higher this season and the money would go to charity. i would like to suggest a Nigerian charity that this money could go to.

the charity helps to locate Nigerian tribespeople who are believed to have been kidnapped by Vampires and sold as prostitutes in Eastern Europe. and people say that the Brits get all the good stuff?

it is called ‘Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV) and I believe them to be a worthy cause so get donating.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, March 23, 2007

curriculum vitae conundrums

hello Bury fans!

i haven’t been around for a while as I broke my hand in a freak girl freaking accident. after stripping her naked she revealed that she was a Rochdale fan so I hit her as hard as I could in the face, breaking my knuckles in the process.

i must clarify that I do not usually hit women (although all my exes back home in Nigeria have felt the black of my hand) but she’d quite clearly lied to me when I asked her if she was ashamed of anything or if she had anything to confess. why ruin the moment when I’ve finally got her kit off (it was the new England one)?

what has been happening at Bury FC? kicked out of the FA Cup for picking a bastard and then selling Dave Mattis to Barnsley. now look what has happened?

one good thing to seemingly come out of this was the fact that the clubs media manager Gordon Sorefeet was quitting his job which meant that I had the opportunity to submit my CV to the club to become the first ever Nigerian webmaster not only in Bury but in the whole of the world (outside Nigeria). i had heard that Gordon was leaving to become the new driver for the royal family.

i listed my qualifications and wrote about my experience editing a farming website back home (Nigeria) and my qualities in bed with women which my flatmate said could perhaps go down well. i had some damn good ideas for run out music which we could perhaps have a vote on.

i didn’t hear back. initially I wondered if I had been turned down because of the colour of my skin (although the Bury chairman would not have known this as my photo was in black and white) but then worried that I didn’t have the expertise of using photoshop or clipart to put together a 64 page colour programme with match action images on 45 of them.

i then sat down and pondered the thought that as I didn’t have any past tales about not having an internet line down at Torquay, how a Jaffa cake looked like Liam Robinson or how me and my partner once had a threesome with Zinedine Zidane whilst he wore a Bury shirt with Sorefeet on the back, i may be limited to what I could offer to the hordes of Bury fans using the internet worldwide.

i couldn’t do that to them so I withdrew my application and it appears now they had to bring the current occupier of the post back. oh well. at least he was always first and fast with the news.

unlike my Doctor who has only just confirmed that I DO have crabs from that damn Daley. and all I did was finger her.

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

aim high

hello Bury fans!

well Christmas has past and I’ve returned to England following a couple of weeks back home in an African country called Nigeria. you may have heard of it.

Christmas is about making dreams come true and I think it was a message from God that forced my return flight from Lagos to be diverted to the Cameroon capital Yaoundé.

whilst there, I had an impromptu game of football with two skinny Cameroonian boys on the airport apron outside. security isn’t as strict in African airports as an ex-friend of mine discovered when he was able to deliver hard core pornography to an Al-Qaeda group hidden below a McDonalds in Cairo.

they were keen to become the stars of English football and hearing that I was on my way to Manchester, they begged and cleaned my shoes before I agreed to letting them fly back home with me in the hope of getting a trial for Manchester Utd or the other club that they knew in Manchester, FC United.

they were to be disappointed though. not only did they not realise until they had sat down that they hadn’t pre-ordered a hot meal on the plane, to their horror, they had read the news article I was reading about Bury’s expulsion from the FA Cup.

this seemed more than a little unfair to them so they decided that it would be better to help out the Shakers by becoming the princes of Gigg Lane and then being sold on to a big English club for millions of pounds.

Mapi Isacce “Get down wid it” Mopi and Mbhangha “bust a groove” Belmondo claimed that their skills on the football pitch were like a sexy African beat and hoped that they’d be able to become the first African stars to grace the Gigg Lane turf. they’d previously washed dishes at Cameroon outfit Sahel FC de Maroua and once spotted Roger Milla walking a camel through Milgaté. not the shopping centre, a small Northern town in Cameroon known for its high number of teenage pregnancies and single mothers. a bit like Radcliffe but with less takeaways.

Mapi and Mbhangha (I met his sister too, I’dbanga) will be at Gigg Lane for a little while and will be able to play in a reserve game or two once Bury have sorted the paper work out. let’s just hope that Bury send in the correct spelling of their names or we could end up having some made-up players playing for us! how odd would that be?

good luck Bury fans!