Thursday, September 14, 2006

knicker bicker


hello Bury fans!

sometimes I think I’m just misunderstood. it’s hard being an alien near York (which is where I was visiting when I met Abbie). i was staying with a friend and on a night out I met her in a club and later on I took her home.

she lay back on the bed, purred and exposed her leopard print thong. she asked me to stroke her spots. i thought this was a somewhat unusual request but began to caress her chin.

she asked me what I was doing and I said I was having a go at her acne. she left soon after but I kept her 34d bra.

a few weeks ago I was having a quick read on another Bury message board. i think I’m banned from posting on it for being black. not sure to be honest.

anyway, it appears that there was an argument about Sheffield Utd’s Tony Robinson who was our ex-chairman. apparently he left Bury up shit creek without a whore.

i can’t imagine Robinson being that much of a troublemaker. i have watched him on Time Team digging up old relics and bones like some sort of ancient care home owner. i also saw him playing a comedy character in a children’s version of Robin Hood, an English hero from back then who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. rumour has it that this Robinson fella stole from the poor and gave to the rich. our current directors wouldn’t be like this I’m sure. none would sanction the recovery of old relics and none own care homes.

back home in Nigeria my neighbour Odeh was always finding ways to save money, perhaps even exploiting others at times.

he rang up Citreon for a quote on a new car and asked them to perhaps just send the parts and he’d put it together with his drill.

they said “no you idiot. ring Renault.”

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, September 08, 2006

frequently asked questions


hello Bury fans!

i’m sure you’ve often wondered when you’ve been lying on your sofa some nights, bored out of your brains, “why and how did Odebayo come to England in the first place?”

well one night I was sat watching the Nigerian show ‘Big Brotha’ in my old house. it is a show about a group of weirdoes locked in a large barn with each other for three months. they all try to cop off with each other, fight and feed a variety of animals namely goats and foreign oil worker hostages. the winner gets a work permit in England to work handing out dabs of aftershave in nightclub toilets - a dream come true for some of the more impoverished folk back home.

whilst tucking into a packet of new Cheese and Onion flavour Wankers Crisps, promoted by Nigerian football legend Nwankwo Kanu, I thought “I could do that”.

not starring in the popular television show desperately trying to deny my sexuality (I’m not gay, I like ALL women except massively fat ones), but spraying Old Spice onto the necks of drunken teenage clubbers frantically texting on their Burberry mobile phones. “i jst fkd Katy in v guys bogs! Lol! C U l8r.”

plenty of other things happened along the way but my journey pretty much began from there. i had a pen pal whose dad worked in England and he managed to ‘fast-track’ my Visa which was really kind of him considering he had never even seen me.

i started my university degree in Manchester and the rest is history (my course is Leisure and Tourism). of course I had chosen to support Bury because I was well aware of their FA Cup wins at the start of the last century and I found this to be highly inspirational.

i had been extremely lucky in managing to visit this great country and I wanted others like me to be able to experience it too. and the key was football. if they trained hard, mended their popped footballs and stopped molesting girls through boredom if the ball burst they could achieve glory.

i can imagine Bury players did the same thing when they were young. i can picture Barry Brian-Murphy trying to cop a grope up a young Irish lasses latex skirt on a night out in the cheaper areas of Dublin and being slapped across the face and shouted at. “you footballers are all the same. why not go and play in England and stop pestering us,” Dolores would cry.

i’m not saying that all footballers are like this. it’s the better role models throughout the leagues such as Lee Trundle, Craig Bellamy, El-Hadji Diouf and Luke Rodgers who should be the spark needed for the young Nigerians in desperate need for a new direction. there would be plenty of fireworks to celebrate back home in Lagos if stronger links could be created between England and my home (Nigeria).

i think I may be wasted in Leisure and Tourism.

good luck Bury fans!