Thursday, March 16, 2006

lights! camera! Odebayo!


hello Bury fans!

i have decided to begin a ‘kick racism out of messageboards’ campaign (KROM) to ensure that everybody can post freely and happily but without discrimination of this nature. i have begun to write a speech for the announcement and it involves wiping the letters R, A, C, I, S and M (Racism) off the keyboard.

this is a matter of importance to me and those keys should never be used again is what I shall say to those who choose to follow.

o f o now on, un l get bo ed of t, i h ll type l ke th .

already I have changed my mind. this would confuse some people, even those that use ‘text speak’.

do I have to understand ‘text speak’ to subscribe to the official Bury Football Club text service? as you can tell sometimes, my English isn’t always brilliant having not lived over here for too long and I do not want to get confused if the messages are in this form of language.

i have already seen one of the texts on a friends mobile phone and it said ‘BBM SUB 55’. this kind of language belongs on a dyslexic scrabble board.

anyway, all of this is a little too serious for me as I am a happy sort of person who just loves to enjoy Bury FC and tell you stories about my life. racism should only be discussed if we are trying to get rid of it and not when trying to promote it (Mr B Pudding – if that is your real name).

i hear that some people think that we will be in League Two next season. safe from relegation? we’re not safe until the fat lady sings. Margaret Napkin, our fans liaison officer should arrange a party to celebrate should we avoid the drop. we could all wear a label so that we know who each other really is.

i have now received over 50 e-mails from people telling me that they are enjoying my tales which bring the people of Nigeria and Bury together as one. another 50 of them and I’ll be as popular as ‘Dude, Where's My Car?’

speaking of movies, I have begun to write a screenplay about my journey from a small village in Africa to a city in England before finally supporting and playing for the local football club, the Mighty Shakers. i have started to compile a list of some of the best thespians in the world to play the characters in my story. this will be an equal opportunities film.

the list so far, in order of appearance: -

Will Smith – Mr Odebayo
Whoopi Goldberg – Mrs Odebayo
Myself – Rudi Odebayo
Scarlett Johansson – Girlfriend 1
Liz Hurley – Girlfriend 2
Angelina Jolie – Girlfriend 3
Cameron Diaz – Girlfriend 4
Penelope Cruz – Girlfriend 5
Lucy Liu – One night stand
Charlize Theron – Nurse
Jenna Jameson – Gay male doctor

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Ode-banned!


hello Bury fans!

i have just heard that I am now not allowed to tell people about my life on the official Bury FC message board as my topics of conversation (all true stories may I add) have proved too controversial.

to begin with, i thought this row was about my emission of Nigerian markets in the section about my home country and I was ready to apologise (again) for this. Nigeria has some wonderful markets which burst with energy, fill the air with wonderful scents and will always greet you with a smile even though you may lose yours when you return to the car park and realise that you won’t be able to drive home on the bricks that you discover there.

then, to my horror I discover that they have, as far as I have understood this discussion, banned me for being the first black poster on their message board!

this is disgusting and now many folk back home will continue to suffer as some people continue to bury their heads in the sand to the problems my people have to deal with. it now seems that I will never have the opportunity to become the first Nigerian to set foot on the turf at Gigg Lane.

i feel deeply saddened by this but thank people (who are now my friends) for their wonderful comments and support via my website and the Y3K website. i don’t have much that I can offer in return (my sister is already married), but I shall continue posting about my love of Bury FC and my enjoyment of this country, which on the whole doesn’t reflect the racism now seemingly associated with the moderators of the official message board.

my mother used to warn that if you couldn’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. she thought Ajayi from the next village must have been a real nasty piece of work until a few years ago she discovered that he’d been born mute. my grandmother misheard her and thought he’d been born with some sort of tail and lived in a swamp. life was crazy for a while.

in general, it has been a bad week for me as a few nights ago I returned to my student accommodation to find that somebody had stolen my Terry Venables model, my atlas and numerous other valuable items. the most distressing thing of all was the fact that somebody had stolen some letters from my grandfather and my list of favourite Bury players surnames. my favourite is Anyinsah.

this is not the first time that I’ve experienced crime since moving to England from Nigeria. one of the dodgier guys on my course was arrested in Toys ‘R’ Us when the security staff caught him with a Woody down his pants. he claimed that he had all the other Toy Story characters but couldn’t afford to buy this one.

i was stunned to hear that we had Casper in net at Shrewsbury. perhaps that after his career ending injury, he was trained to just stand in the area and deal with crosses.

a similar thing happened to a young lad called Amadi when I was at school back home (Nigeria). his family was quite rich as his dad worked on an oil rig and he had Sky TV at home. we used to go round to his house to watch WWF wrestling. after it had finished we’d go and play football and if he didn’t go in net we’d whip the back of his legs with nettles, cover him with honey and throw him to the bees. Amadi moved to England soon after, threatening that he’d get his own back one day. i think he joined the army a few years ago.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Jesus cometh?


hello Bury fans!

i was thinking about a traditional Nigerian tale this afternoon during a daydreaming session.

a young boy is walking through the jungle when out of the undergrowth comes a tiger. it is beautiful with a wonderful orange and black silky fur coat, sharp teeth and pointy ears. the tiger stares at the food in the boys hand (he’s just returned from Wimpy).

the beast tells the boy that his family is starving and asks if he would be kind enough to give his food to the baby tigers so that they can survive. the boy agrees to help but after he wanders deeper into the jungle the tigers eat him because they don’t like the fries.

the moral of the story: don’t trust any tiger, especially ones that speak.

it’s the people that don’t speak much that are the most dangerous though. at the Bury match the other week I spotted a poor man wandering about in a stetson and shorts looking like he was dreaming that he owned the place. i thought that they’d been filming the sequel to Brokeback Mountain at the point in their lives when they’ve tucked into one too many Dominos pizzas.

he looked too busy to talk to people but you just never know what he’s thinking as he weaves in and out of the fans walking to the ground, moaning about ticket prices. he could be the kind of person who means harm and could perhaps sell the ground to build an ice rink or something. or on the other hand, he could be like the return of Jesus Christ, spreading joy, happiness and success to every corner of the globe but mainly this football club.

i don’t think it’s a coincidence that now that I’m a die hard Bury fan and watch matches now and again that somebody Jesuslike is now wandering around our ground. i don’t often talk about my mother as it is difficult for me to speak of her without the tears running as I picture her working in the mills but she always said that wherever I would go, as long as I was kind, Jesus would follow and protect me.

because of this, I would like to invite this strange travelling man to come and stay with me in my student accommodation which may only just surpass the dinginess that this man may be used to but will always have a warm bed, running water and a never ending supply of tissues for him to enjoy. sometimes I may be in the bed with a woman but it’s better than sleeping with the enemy which in his case is probably dirty drug eating crack whore bitches. hopefully he’ll accept my offer and we can soon be listening to Gangster rap together and wishing for better times where we are both loved and trusted by all.

thank you mother. you were loved.

good luck Bury fans!