Thursday, February 23, 2006

eat well or die hungry

hello Bury fans!

i have just discovered that the disabled girl in my lectures at university is a Bolton Wanderers fan and judging by the size and smell of her (she can’t wash), it looks like she ate everybody wandering in Bolton. because of this (her football elegance not her body odour), I no longer push her to the lecture and just leave her downstairs. i’m not completely heartless though as I do send her the lectures live via video phone after she calls to ask me where I am.

people think she is lovely but I know that she has a nasty side to her as a couple of days ago I caught her and a few of her friends in wheelchairs ‘happy ramming’ a couple of chavs outside the Tesco Express on Oxford Road and filming it on their mobile phones. i do sometimes sit near her at lunch though but I often catch her looking over at me enviously as I finger my black pudding but seeing her as aggressive as she was on the pavement that day, I keep myself to myself and avoid eye contact (she also has three eyes).

that same night I got a bit of hot loving. the lady started to giggle when she took off her brassier and underwear and said that she’d had a turtle wax. her laughter at what she said was a joke must really have been through embarrassment as it looked more like a straight line than a reptile.

i managed to get to the Barnet game at the weekend and this was my first match for a while. you may have spotted me? i was the Nigerian.

i have also heard from a friend who said that he went to the GAM this week? is this the Generally Angry Meeting? i have heard that this meeting was supposed to be very important to the club but it turned into a farce when important people left the room.

now, back home my grandmother used to say that you shouldn’t start something that you can’t finish and she’d often slap me across the back of my head as I tucked into a three course meal that she’d had sent over from the village. this was her way of exploiting the dial a meal system that pensioners can take advantage of as it was supposed to be her food and not mine.

a three course meal in our family tended to start with rice and end with rice with a nice rice portion stuck in the middle and if I ate slowly during the first portion, she’d take it away from me, tell me to wash my hands and go and play by myself which I did pretty much non-stop until I got a girlfriend.

perhaps the people who play for and run the Shakers should listen to some further advice from my grandmother which may help improve the clubs fortunes. she said that if you don’t eat healthily, everything else will crumble in on you and this was perhaps true in her case as we often found her teeth amongst the leftovers.

some people like my grandmother are put on this planet to serve as a warning to others and as I sit here sipping Robinson’s orange barley water, I realise that unless we heed such warnings, the same things will happen over and over again. she was a sucker for a toffee apple but can’t chew anything now which, for some reason my grandfather says is a god send. he said that if I liked, he’d give me a full account someday, leaving no important details out.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, February 17, 2006

love hurts

hello Bury fans!

like everything else, Bird flu has taken it’s time to arrive in Nigeria but it’s there and it’s clucking annoying everybody. i found out after giving my grandfather a call to see if he’d managed to fix the well after my grandmother had dropped a cheetah cub into it by accident. she’d inadvertently managed to steal it from Shagamu zoo after she picked the animal up instead of her glasses case. my grandfather said that the village doctor was doing tests.

now, doctors back home aren’t exactly of the same quality of the NHS and they’ve been feeding seeds to local residents to see who likes and dislikes them. he told me that the doctor thought he’d found a large outbreak at a hen party in the capital but they were all just bladdered on Gulder Lager.

the old saying from back home is “a papaya a day keeps the doctor away”. this must have worked as there was no bird flu in the village.

the combination of Valentines Day and the bird flu epidemic got me worried and I began to think about my old love that I left behind before coming to England. she was beautiful, like a young Moira Stewart but nicer and when we were young we used to get the bus to Lagos and dance into the early hours at which point the driver would kick us off. we didn’t have much money back then but she was happy to be taken out for a nice bowl of rice and some pop.

she has apparently become a successful businesswoman and she was always full of ideas back then. she is the kind of person who could make a fortune for Bury FC.

she used to organise raffles and tombolas for the local youth club and perhaps these are the kind of suggestions we could send to our new fans liaison officer Margaret Napkin although I’m told she isn’t as fit as she used to be (just like Moira Stewart) and it takes her a while to get to her computer to reply to you.

Akanke was a real dream. her name rolls off the tongue as easily as she rolled onto mine. she always made the most out of situations. right now she’ll be somewhere putting aside the slaughtered diseased chickens ready to be made into soup for the old peoples home. once they have died, she’d probably organise the construction of a Whacky Warehouse or a sports hall. she was a very resourceful lass. let’s hope that our own wonder woman can prove to be as much of a success for this club before it’s too late as she may die and leave us all spitting feathers.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

lay back and think of Nigeria

hello Bury fans!

the news that Nigeria have been knocked out of the African Cup of Nations was disappointing to me. as some of you may know, I am from Nigeria and therefore still have the country in my heart and wanted my team to do well. Unfortunately, the Super Eagles’ defeat by the dirty, cheating goat molesters from the Ivory Coast has not gone down too well back home. my grandfather said that thousands of people had been taking Nigeria shirts back to the new All Sports store in Lagos which is just next door to McDonalds (the goat burgers are said to be great washed down with the new McTurpentine) and Starbucks.

disgusted by the sides poor performance, many of the population have threatened never to go back to work again and the lack of stitchers would delay the completion of the new Nike 2006 World Cup football which was expected to be ready by May. i should add here that not all Nigerians are lazy layabouts. only last week I offered to sweep and clean the whole of the local hairdresser’s salon for a free cut and blow.

i was chatting to my flatmate the other day whilst watching a nature programme on the television and he said that if I was gay (which I’m not as I have had penetration with at least two straight women since I moved to Manchester) and got married to the guy on the television who then took my surname, he’d be called Bill Odebayo!

the conversation swiftly moved on and with the side struggling at the moment I began to think of ways to perhaps improve their performance. one of the aforementioned females saw a picture of the Bury players in a programme that I had bought prior to a visit to Gigg Lane last season and she said that we had a lot of good looking footballers. maybe it would be a good idea for our players not to use up their energy by having sex during the period before the game. she also said that she once dated a footballer and never slept with him during the period.

my flatmate told me that he had met Justin Fashanu once in Atlanta, USA and he said that he had never had sex with a woman throughout his career and he scored a lot of goals so it shows that this could perhaps work wonders for our chances of scoring.

it is funny how things off the pitch affect what happens on it and viseversa. for example we’ve stopped seeing our friend Alan as since he lost his job he’s stopped being the life and sole of the party (he used to dress up as a fish when it was fancy dress) and now just moans and puts people down.

he was a very good coach for the university football team and when we began to under perform, he took it personally and it affected his home life and his work until he couldn’t function properly and he was dismissed having lost all the support of his friends. he ‘lost it’ a bit and during this time he was caught sat under a table in the canteen pleasuring himself with a whisk.

just like football (as our players will find out if they don’t turn things around), people won’t want to have anything to do with you if you are miserable or you don’t work hard at your job. i mean, who would you prefer to hang around with? Alan A who would always have a kind word to say and was friendly and generous to everybody he met or Alan B, a moaning sod whose depressing midlife crisis has started early and has to take his anger out on others?

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

a poem for the plagued

hello Bury fans!

it has come to my attention that some of you haven’t been happy with some of the comments in my blog having posted on what is known as the Official Bury FC message board that I recently discovered and now, having done my research I think I perhaps understand what all the fuss was about.

i didn’t realise that bringing up Bruce Grobbelaar would be such a touchy subject until I discovered that he once cost Bury a game at Birmingham when he was covering for the regular goalkeeper. for this I apologise but thankfully he isn’t Nigerian as that would tarnish by birth country’s name.

before coming to England to study I didn’t realise how seriously you took your football. back home, if the referee annoyed somebody, the fans would just shoot him and not think of the consequences for their club. Jeff Winter would be a dead man, no matter the season.

i think I should also use this website as a forum to discuss something that is close to my heart (but thankfully not too close) and that is the AIDS situation on my continent.

AIDS is no laughing matter. i regularly support AIDS research charities such as the one at this link and like to find out about the latest news. i sometimes even write poetry such as this one. i trust you’ll like it.

AIDS. You once took away a friend.
My heart, now it will not mend.
Leave this Earth well alone.
And return the smiles that you took from home.

AIDS. Why do you hurt us so?
Leaving us lifeless in the snow.*
Empty souls looking down from the trees.
Where is our help? God help us please.

By Rudi Odebayo

* this is a Nigerian with the disease who has managed to fund a skiing trip to Austria.

AIDS should not be swept under the carpet and people should be made aware of it. if it is not discussed, how can we pull together in the same direction? my Uncle Ben always wore long trousers and it was believed that he was born with three legs but he was never asked to reveal his extra one and it was never talked about until he won the village sack race and was rewarded with the keys to the local rice factory. my other uncle, Joe said that we shouldn’t be ashamed of him and we should celebrate the differences between people and handed out mints to everybody, but my third uncle didn’t agree so we left him to fester.

despite being a bit grumpy, he had some very successful motivational techniques for the local football team that he managed. he used to make the lazier players wear barbed wire underpants and this kept them on their toes. on my last visit to Gigg Lane, Dwayne Mattis seemed to have a similar problem and could perhaps benefit from such a revolutionary idea. either that or the cattle prod which my uncle used to use on his wife to get her in and out of bed.

good luck Bury fans!