Thursday, August 31, 2006

putting my foot in it

hello Bury fans!

how disappointing were we for the first four league games? Bury have now even begun to affect my love life.

i met a lovely girl in Barratts in Manchester the other day. she was trying on a pair of stilettos. her feet were perfect. smooth and petite. pink painted and trimmed toenails. i once knew a guy in Nigeria whose nails were so long he could plough potatoes with them.

later, back at my place she took off her dress to reveal a pair of stockings. i think she was old fashioned. as I climbed on board I asked her name. Mona she replied. and she certainly was.

she was beautiful. long brown hair, green eyes. she said she was from Bolton. she couldn’t be. her fanny was so fresh.

we made love for hours. me on top, her on top, doggy style, the wheelbarrow and my speciality; the Graham Barrow. she loved how I whipped my long balls deep into her area.

by then though I had begun to be concerned. not that the pleasure should end prematurely but because of Bury’s plight at the bottom although by then I was enjoying my time in hers.

i had already made eleven marker pen dots on her back with Fettis nestled between those two little dimples above her rear. her hair pushed aside to cater for Bishop and Youngs. God knows what she thought I was doing to her.

later she told me I really knew how to satisfy a woman. i said that back home I’d pleased my mother for about twenty years. clearly misunderstanding me she was disgusted and left in a hurry, the door slamming shut behind her.

i kept her stilettos though. it saves money on buying presents at Christmas. i may even be able to afford to go to Accrington on Boxing Day. whoever they are.

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Nugent not a gent

hello Bury fans!

well it seems like, as was the case last year, that we have suffered a poor start to our league season and the finger of blame can be pointed at just one person - David Nugent.

had Nugent not decided to better himself and move to the West End we could well have been chasing promotion this season.

i got talking to a Bury fan whilst at Sandy’s Superstars escort parlour the other week. he said he was just there to relax and calm down and said he posted on the message boards sometimes, either as Colin Marrison or somebody who hated Oldham.

he said that we should blame Eaves. i said “whose Eaves?” and he just said “yes”. all very confusing for a Nigerian. i wish some people would speak more slowly or just shut up completely. highly annoying. thankfully he left for his booking soon after with his lady calling him through 30 minutes later than the time he’d arranged. he angrily said he was going to give her a mouthful.

i returned home the other week to find my e-mail inbox completely jammed with spam. many of the messages were apparently from Nigerians claiming that I was in their will.

one of my casual sex friends also received such a message, saying that she would receive £850,000 to secure her future if she sent her account details to a Mrs Eata Onionbaji in Lagos.

the clue to this scam is in the name. Eata is not a name from the province that Lagos, where she claims to be from, is located. It is a name from the NORTHERN province of Hausa. some people are just plain stupid.

however, I think that should Bury receive £850,000 for the future sale of David Nugent, we could well change the direction of this football club. whilst these untrustworthy fake ‘Nigerians’ try to con us out of our money via e-mail, I urge Neil Warnock, who sounds like a great man, to come in and bid for Nugent.

perhaps Warnock could take over our club and guide us to success and glory like he has done at Sheffield Wednesday and on the board at Wigan Warriors? he’s obviously got an eye for talent.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Rudi returns!

hello Bury fans!

i bet you didn’t think that I’d return did you? neither did i to be honest as I’ve spent most of the summer rummaging through bushes in deepest darkest Nigeria. i did intend to take my laptop to do some essays whilst on the trail of my missing father but the extension cable only managed to go as far as the front door.

shame I didn’t have some other form of contact with home as just five hours after packing by bags and wandering into the woodland he turned up didn’t he. apparently he took a left at the lights rather than a right and was temporarily accused of invading Cameroon.

as I flew back to England during which i suffered the misfortune of burning my face on a complimentary hot towel, I considered my application to the most popular Nigerian football magazine to do the season preview for Bury’s division next season, League 4.

the fourth tier of English football is something that appears to have been overlooked by the best football magazine hitting the newsstands of Lagos. in fact it is the only Nigerian football magazine as the other one changed its focus and became porn/snooker magazine ‘Potting the Black’.

upon my return to England I had received an e-mail from ‘Eagle Soccer’ who said that it would be a good idea to do the preview and encouraged me to increase my contacts with the club and perhaps become the first Nigerian to ever play in the lower divisions of English football.

that, they said, would be an article worth reading and a story that would inspire my fellow Nigerians to believe that they too could one day pay a visit to Spotland on a Tuesday night armed with just a tray of French fries and some handy five pound notes.

good luck Bury fans!