Thursday, February 09, 2006

lay back and think of Nigeria

hello Bury fans!

the news that Nigeria have been knocked out of the African Cup of Nations was disappointing to me. as some of you may know, I am from Nigeria and therefore still have the country in my heart and wanted my team to do well. Unfortunately, the Super Eagles’ defeat by the dirty, cheating goat molesters from the Ivory Coast has not gone down too well back home. my grandfather said that thousands of people had been taking Nigeria shirts back to the new All Sports store in Lagos which is just next door to McDonalds (the goat burgers are said to be great washed down with the new McTurpentine) and Starbucks.

disgusted by the sides poor performance, many of the population have threatened never to go back to work again and the lack of stitchers would delay the completion of the new Nike 2006 World Cup football which was expected to be ready by May. i should add here that not all Nigerians are lazy layabouts. only last week I offered to sweep and clean the whole of the local hairdresser’s salon for a free cut and blow.

i was chatting to my flatmate the other day whilst watching a nature programme on the television and he said that if I was gay (which I’m not as I have had penetration with at least two straight women since I moved to Manchester) and got married to the guy on the television who then took my surname, he’d be called Bill Odebayo!

the conversation swiftly moved on and with the side struggling at the moment I began to think of ways to perhaps improve their performance. one of the aforementioned females saw a picture of the Bury players in a programme that I had bought prior to a visit to Gigg Lane last season and she said that we had a lot of good looking footballers. maybe it would be a good idea for our players not to use up their energy by having sex during the period before the game. she also said that she once dated a footballer and never slept with him during the period.

my flatmate told me that he had met Justin Fashanu once in Atlanta, USA and he said that he had never had sex with a woman throughout his career and he scored a lot of goals so it shows that this could perhaps work wonders for our chances of scoring.

it is funny how things off the pitch affect what happens on it and viseversa. for example we’ve stopped seeing our friend Alan as since he lost his job he’s stopped being the life and sole of the party (he used to dress up as a fish when it was fancy dress) and now just moans and puts people down.

he was a very good coach for the university football team and when we began to under perform, he took it personally and it affected his home life and his work until he couldn’t function properly and he was dismissed having lost all the support of his friends. he ‘lost it’ a bit and during this time he was caught sat under a table in the canteen pleasuring himself with a whisk.

just like football (as our players will find out if they don’t turn things around), people won’t want to have anything to do with you if you are miserable or you don’t work hard at your job. i mean, who would you prefer to hang around with? Alan A who would always have a kind word to say and was friendly and generous to everybody he met or Alan B, a moaning sod whose depressing midlife crisis has started early and has to take his anger out on others?

good luck Bury fans!

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