Thursday, February 23, 2006

eat well or die hungry


hello Bury fans!

i have just discovered that the disabled girl in my lectures at university is a Bolton Wanderers fan and judging by the size and smell of her (she can’t wash), it looks like she ate everybody wandering in Bolton. because of this (her football elegance not her body odour), I no longer push her to the lecture and just leave her downstairs. i’m not completely heartless though as I do send her the lectures live via video phone after she calls to ask me where I am.

people think she is lovely but I know that she has a nasty side to her as a couple of days ago I caught her and a few of her friends in wheelchairs ‘happy ramming’ a couple of chavs outside the Tesco Express on Oxford Road and filming it on their mobile phones. i do sometimes sit near her at lunch though but I often catch her looking over at me enviously as I finger my black pudding but seeing her as aggressive as she was on the pavement that day, I keep myself to myself and avoid eye contact (she also has three eyes).

that same night I got a bit of hot loving. the lady started to giggle when she took off her brassier and underwear and said that she’d had a turtle wax. her laughter at what she said was a joke must really have been through embarrassment as it looked more like a straight line than a reptile.

i managed to get to the Barnet game at the weekend and this was my first match for a while. you may have spotted me? i was the Nigerian.

i have also heard from a friend who said that he went to the GAM this week? is this the Generally Angry Meeting? i have heard that this meeting was supposed to be very important to the club but it turned into a farce when important people left the room.

now, back home my grandmother used to say that you shouldn’t start something that you can’t finish and she’d often slap me across the back of my head as I tucked into a three course meal that she’d had sent over from the village. this was her way of exploiting the dial a meal system that pensioners can take advantage of as it was supposed to be her food and not mine.

a three course meal in our family tended to start with rice and end with rice with a nice rice portion stuck in the middle and if I ate slowly during the first portion, she’d take it away from me, tell me to wash my hands and go and play by myself which I did pretty much non-stop until I got a girlfriend.

perhaps the people who play for and run the Shakers should listen to some further advice from my grandmother which may help improve the clubs fortunes. she said that if you don’t eat healthily, everything else will crumble in on you and this was perhaps true in her case as we often found her teeth amongst the leftovers.

some people like my grandmother are put on this planet to serve as a warning to others and as I sit here sipping Robinson’s orange barley water, I realise that unless we heed such warnings, the same things will happen over and over again. she was a sucker for a toffee apple but can’t chew anything now which, for some reason my grandfather says is a god send. he said that if I liked, he’d give me a full account someday, leaving no important details out.

good luck Bury fans!

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