Monday, June 16, 2008

britain's got Rudi?

hello Bury fans!

it’s busy, busy, busy in Rudi’s world at the moment. just like the football season, my second year at university is coming to an end as is the supply of the only food I have left in my student accommodation, Push Pops.

i don’t restrict my life to studying though and recently went for auditions to appear on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ but was turned away at the door along with Sir Trevor McDonald, Will Smith and Ainsley Harriet. you may not know this but back home (Nigeria) you actually had to be a trained fire eater before you were allowed into school. if you weren’t, you were sent to the rough neighbouring village Clifferad. i was hoping to showcase my talents on ITV but they told me they didn’t have room for anybody else who wanted to put something long and firey into their mouth. when they did the Bolton leg of the auditions, that is all they got from the women there.

maybe I could get myself ready for the next series of X-Factor and sing songs about my tough journey from the ghettos of Lagos to urine covered streets of England? i’m sure that my song would be a hit and everybody could get down with their bad selves.

i am delighted to see that Bury have finished their season at the top of the third page on 326, BBC Ceefax. this is amazing and it is great that we have won promotion as champions. but whatever happened to Rochdale? i couldn’t spot their name on the page at all. have they been thrown out of the league for being permanently shit?

still, I’m sure if given the chance they wouldn’t let themselves down or embarrass themselves on the television, leading everybody into thinking that they actually had a chance but being revealed as being a far inferior team than their opposition.

before I supported Bury and back home in Nigeria we had a team similar to Rochdale. for about 99 years they had languished in the bottom division of our local league and their seven fans had all accepted that they’d be nothing more than they are now until one day a local vegetable grower flung the equivalent of £3.40 in their direction and they began to get cocky.

they claimed the revolution had started, stated that everything they had now was better than what everybody else had and the manager covered himself in bling and swaggered his way around the local villages and teams promising the better players glory if they joined him.

unfortunately for him though his wife was a whore and while he was busy doing this she’d got herself pregnant by a guy from neighbouring Clifferad who had promised to take her to his glorious two bedroomed semi in the capital Abuja. he was so busy sticking his nose into everybody else’s business he’d forgotten that he had always been, still was and always would be crap in bed.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

efe hell!

hello Bury fans!

well hasn’t it been a long time? and so much has happened! not only did we get through the FA Cup without being thrown out, that guy with the deep pockets in his shorts returned, our commercial department got taken over by the little drummer boy and we sacked our manager and got a ginger one instead! now I’m no expert but somebody having the surname Knill can’t be good for the club but I suppose it’s better than having “we scored 4 at Chesterfield” added to our honours list.

i’ve been back home in Nigeria due to a family crisis (my sister apparently became pregnant to a man from another village so we had to stone her to death) so this is the first opportunity I have had to tell you about my remarkable story from Halloween in October. there I was just dozing on my bed in my student accommodation when I heard a knocking on the door.

i pulled on some clothes as nobody wants to be greeted by a naked black man at the door and opened it. to my surprise I saw Bury midfielder Byron Barry-Murphy dressed as a skeleton!

“trick or treat” he said in a creepy voice, similar to an Irish accent. i couldn’t believe it was Byron Barry-Murphy, the best ever midfielder to play for Bury and provider of so many free tickets!

“treat,” I replied “but it can’t be a packet of sweets, I can get them from any late night Spar around here.”

“no, no, it’s a real treat, not something as common as a packet of marshmallows,” he claimed. “on Saturday I’ll pass to one of my own teammates!”

i told him that I couldn’t wait until Saturday so I’ll have to have a trick at which point he pulled out his balls and attempted to do some kick-ups with one of them. having managed two and looking a little sorry for himself he said “I could take you a corner?” but I politely declined and sent his boney arse on its way.

today I was invited around to fan liaison officer Margaret Napkin’s house so that she could give me an insight into what it was like for somebody in her role. when I arrived there she told me she was a little busy as she’d just turned on her microwave to answer some of the fans emails.

later she informed me of the signing of Alan Sodje, a person I know very well from our days back home in Nigeria. his nickname was Efe due to his antics when he was young.

he was a bit of a tearaway and it’d be ‘Efe this and efe that.’ he was always efin and jeffin.

my uncle used to say “Efe thinks he’ll make it in football he’s gonna have a shock to his system. and take that daft hat off. they’ll think he’s gay efe wears that in Lagos.”

but I knew that Alan would have what it takes to become a football star. however, even I couldn’t predict that he’d become the first ever Nigerian to set forth on the pitch at Gigg Lane! a Nigerian playing for Bury FC? you just couldn’t make it up!

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

television star!

hello Bury fans!

i’d just like to say thank you to Bury midfielder Byron Barry-Murphy who got me a couple of free tickets to a forthcoming away game. it’s not often that I get to go to an away match (unless Weymouth on TV last year counts) so I’d like to say thank you to Byron, who is unquestionably Bury’s best midfielder and without a doubt the best player to grace the club’s shirt in the history of our club. and what a history. i’ll always remember that free-kick I saw him score on Shakers World during the 3-1 win at Swansea City when David Nugent and Dane Bowers also scored. it was certainly the best ever free-kick scored and reason alone to include him in the side forever more allowing him to pick up his appearance bonuses and feed the girls he lets sleep over.

i’ve also managed to get some free tickets to a Northern Ireland Under 21 game from one of his friends, Mavis.

being a busy student you may be surprised to hear that I do find time during the day to watch a bit of the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’ which is a man who sits and shouts at scrubber families who have decided to air all their dirty underwear on national TV. sometimes they even choose who the father of a child is by simply picking a name out of an envelope.

many months ago I wrote to the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’ and asked if they would like me to be the first Nigerian to ever be shown on television, especially on the popular ‘Jeremy Kyle show’. to my surprise they wrote back telling me that they’d love me to tell my story of hardship back home and that they may even have a surprise or two up their sleeves for me! i told them it couldn’t have been that Sharon from Radcliffe who I met in Sol one night was going to have my child because I only did anal with her.

anyway, I had a great time and here is a short transcript from the show: -

Jeremy: Hello, this is Rudi Odebayo, a 26 year old student living in Manchester. Where are you originally from Rudi?

Rudi: Nigeria.

so as you can see it was shaping up to be a great episode! so watch it next week and just wait and see what happens at the end when I’m introduced to my goat bothering brother Obi who I thought had been dead for eight years! he’s still a knob though no matter what Jeremy says.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, October 26, 2007

the future's bright, the future's Radcliffe?

hello Bury fans!

i am delighted Chris Casper and Keith Alexandria have turned things around for this famous old club and we won twice at Rochdale within a few days! obviously that wouldn’t usually be something to brag about but nobody takes the p**s out of a revolution like Bury do! still, I’m pleased that our neighbours have been able to celebrate something during their centenary/revolution year with a 2-1 win at Grimsby. so the signs are good that they’ll be able to enjoy another moderate campaign.

i remember once when local rebels tried to take control of my village back in Nigeria but we defended ourselves by claiming that ALL of the female population had slept with at least one guy from Radcliffe. they turned around in horror and drove their tanks and goats out of town.

you may have been wondering where I have been recently? well of course returning to university in my final year has been extremely tiring and busy. it is hard work moving pot noodles off my bed and reading Shakers MSN text service messages about Lee Bullock whilst doggy styling some freshers totty.

still, I have managed to have some fun in recent weeks. i met a girl at a fairground who looked a bit like Dawn French. she was sat in a little tent. she told me she had a special skill and was training to be a medium. i said by the looks of it you’ve got a long way to go. you’ve got to be a size 16 at least?“ “I knew you were going to say that” she replied.

she did however tell me that we would be taken over by a magnet. that’ll make us a force to be reckoned with.

i heard that former Shaker Dave Esdaile is planning a takeover of the club and billionaire Dean Handyman is going to buy us some new players in January. also I heard that we may be moving to a new purpose built stadium (2500 capacity) in an unnamed area of Bury (probably Radcliffe).

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

children of the revolution

hello Bury fans!

wow! fourth place in the table and I’ve missed it all as i’ve been to a few music festivals recently and thoroughly enjoyed sleeping in mud and piss. reminded me of being back home in Nigeria but we didn’t need music as an excuse to go next door and have a shit.

that was the problem in regards to youngsters learning to play football in the villages of my home country. most places had a football pitch but they were covered in excrement, dead animals and cannibals. so just like in Rochdale, we found it difficult to find a place to train.

the range of t-shirts at the music festivals has been tremendous. they ranged from the retro tight brown skinny fit with pictures of Bob Marley or the Beatles to more modern types with the Killers or Snow Patrol written across the front. i even saw somebody wearing a
King Sunny Ade t-shirt, perhaps the most famous Nigerian singer ever to leave the country. his 'Odu' album was nominated for Best World Music album at the Grammy awards in 1999. but that’s history now and I fully embrace the more modern European forms of music.

one t-shirt did puzzle me though. on the back it said AFC Rochdale (a possible attempt to get their name to the top of a league table at some point in a season?) but as I went around to the front to get a better look it said “Keith Hill took us to 9th place. Long live Keith Hill.”

the young lad, no more than 13 or 14 years old caught me staring at his t-shirt and spitting red stripe out at me he said in a thick Rochdale accent “Yeah? Yeah? It’s a revulsion!”

one night I was sat outside my tent when this beautiful girl strolled past with a can of cider in her hand. i stopped her as she almost sat down on my Ginsters® Cornish pasty. within minutes I thought she was infatuated with me as she couldn’t take her eyes off this black knight. she really was a stunner. we don’t have that sort of girl back home in Nigeria, most of them either don’t, can’t or aren’t allowed to wash.

we continued chatting. thoughts of my girl back in Manchester were gone and I said “had the price of looking at your eyes been blindness…I would have looked.” she looked at me in horror. “i had no f**king choice” she screamed, “I was born this way” at which point she tried to get up and stumbled away with her dog.

i saw that same dog an hour later, humping the leg of the teenage boy I’d met earlier on. i don’t think he could believe his luck.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, July 20, 2007

potter spoiled!

hello Bury fans!

again it has been a busy week for myself having just completed the first seven days of my new job. believe it or not, I’ve been paid £850 to be tied up to a couple of Rochdale fans, 24 hours a day as they went to work, showered, slept etc.

i say a couple of Rochdale fans, they were in fact the only Siamese twin Rochdale fans alive today and the three of us had a fantastic time.

you may worry that this isn’t the sort of career a Nigerian like myself should be getting myself into but keep in mind that prior to this I have worked in a toilet spraying Wilkinson’s aftershave all over drunken clubbers in Manchester and worked in a bar where I was treated like a piece of meat by the flirty female customers in there. they said “Rudi are you really rude?” whilst mocking my strong West African accent. the nicest one wasn’t laughing a few hours later when she was on her knees with her mouth full. she’d been sick eating my chocolate éclair.

anyway me and my two new buddies managed to bag ourselves a threesome following a night out at the Ritz but the girl turned out to be from Radcliffe and as I withdrew myself from our love making session I realised I was wearing a condom although I hadn’t been when I first penetrated.

i see that Bury manager Keith Alexandria is gathering together a crew of very tall and experienced footballers to help build momentum for his revolution. i think you may have spotted me at the Radcliffe friendly? i was the black one in the ground stood near a ‘large’ girl who claimed to be eating diet chips. she said “Hi my name’s Louise, what’s yours?” “Rudi” I said. “where are you from Rudi?” I told her Nigeria. She asked me if we ate a lot of chicken there and I said not really, we don’t like fat birds at which point she hit me. Mika is wrong. big girls aren’t beautiful.

i was particularly impressed with the Surridge brothers on the touchline although it puzzled me as they seemed to be of a different race to each other. they were ignorant too as I kept on shouting “Surridge, Surridge can you sign my balls?” but they ignored my request at which point official Bury FC webmaster Gordon Sorefeet came over and claimed he once had Adolf Hitler signing his balls.

i was then shocked to spot that we had a number of other players with Surridge on the back of their shirts and I reckon that should they get contracts this would become pretty confusing just like the rumoured last page of the Harry Potter books in which he gets eaten by dogs.

bit of a random ending that.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, June 29, 2007

no to Nigerians!

hello Bury fans!
i have just got home to hear that Nigerian legend Akanji Murphy is on trial at Bury! ever since Keith Alexandria’s arrival and his promise of long balls I’ve been writing letter after letter to try and get a trial at Gigg Lane but he’s been more occupied trying to get the that pisshead Tom Kennedy out of the club and away from the bright lights of the town.

it disappoints me that Nigerian legend Akanji Murphy could well become the first ever Nigerian at Gigg Lane as I was lead to believe that I had to sleep with at least five English women before I would be permitted a trial at the club, just like Akanji’s brother Barry Murphy did.

i’m a bit confused though as Brian and Akanji quite clearly aren’t from the same mother and Akanji (or was it Barry) claims he wants to move closer to his home in Ireland.

now I’ve heard plenty of rumours, not just about Kennedy but that some of the other Bury players have problems ‘behind the scenes’. i believe this to be that some have clashed with others about them being homosexual? could this be why the likes of Marc Pugh and Tom Kennedy were dropped and are now playing for the other side?

i have seen that official webmaster Gordon Sorefeet has been asking for suggestions to improve the new website. perhaps he could include a section were we can report any sightings of Bury players behaving inappropriately such as drinking after training or bumming on Goshen? maybe we should have a message board vote to have the final decision over whether we believe them to be a raging homo or not?

i have sent Akanji an e-mail recommending that he doesn’t surround himself with this sort and warned him that if you join Bury, they are all tight arses. i also warned him that right now, we’re a bit shit and he’ll have to pin or stand all of the awards he’s won in Malta up against the goal to do the work of the lack of team mates he currently has.

having said that I’ve just spotted we’ve signed Ben Fucker from Peterborough Utd? i have been told that he is 7 foot 6 inches? i had a team-mate for the football team I played for back home in Nigeria (my home) who was rumoured to be 8 foot tall. he became a soldier for the Nigerian army but was killed when he was shot in the head when he was kneeling down in a bunker.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 20, 2007

no regrets

hello Bury fans!

it appears that I have again upset a reader of my website with comments I made last week so I will of course apologise but it seems to me, a mere Nigerian, that perhaps a member of a rival charity was trying to detract from my own appeal to selfishly receive all of the money. that isn’t very charitable is it? it should be left to the individuals to make up their minds.

for the record, I regularly support charities and often drop cash into a bucket as I walk through Bury or Manchester on my way to university. sometimes though I ask for a little of it back when I’m on my way back to my student accommodation to pay for bread and the like. i may be a Nigerian but I’ve got to live too.

to show my sympathy for those less fortunate than myself, since I moved to England I have supported the following charities fairly often: -

Cancer Research UK
Meningitis Trust
Children with AIDS Charity
Bury Deaf Children’s Society
Tsunami and Earthquake Area Rebuilding Society
Comic Relief
Sport Relief
Hand Relief (the charity that helps to pair up gloves found left on railings and then donates them to Eskimos)
Blindvoice UK
Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV)
The Brain Damage Research Trust

as the season comes to an end I have begun to dread what could happen to the Shakers. when I first decided to follow them I thought it would be cool to be a fan of a lower league side who would then climb the table and I share in their glory. my friends have asked me if I regret choosing Bury and perhaps it would have been better to follow a team more successful this season such as Manchester United, Chelsea or Macclesfield.

i told them no. my only regrets are losing my virginity to the village whore (she was seeing a goat at the same time as me), throwing my vanilla McDonalds™ milkshake at a group of goths in a cemetary (it was actually a funeral) and pushing a deaf girl out of my way and into oncoing traffic because I thought she was ignoring me. i did say sorry though in hospital but she couldn’t lip read with bandages over her eyes.

i left her some grapes.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 13, 2007

time to bite back!

hello Bury fans!

we may be struggling in the league (we did okay in the cups) but this is a time to stick together. a quick read of the message boards show that many are still positive about this season and the likes of SuperBuryShaker should be followed and applauded. he’s just like the Dalai Lama. still, things could be worse.

a friend of mine lost a leg in a landmine explosion back home and everybody was devastated as it was obviously the end of his footballing career. he was a tricky left winger but unfortunately it was that particular leg that he lost.

some suggested that he could perhaps hop up and down on the right wing instead and whenever he got to the bye-line, somebody would be allowed to come on and hook in a cross. however the local league officials forbid this and that was the end of that.

still, he was a bit happier when the local tailors told him that they’d sell him trousers for half price.

so every cloud has a silver lining. i am thinking of emailing our clubs fans liaison officer Margaret Napkin to try to sort out an end of season party to celebrate or mourn what is yet to happen. this way I could meet up with some of the more established Bury fans and you could tell me some stories about our FA Cup final wins and promotions. obviously being a relative newcomer to the world of the Shakers I will have missed out on some of the glorious moments of our past but mark my words, I’ll be there for the ones in the future. Bury players, don’t mark my words as you’ll have departed and anyhow, you should be marking players. it would make a change.

today is Friday the 13th which I believe in England is a day of bad luck. you could say that if you were born in Nigeria or likewise Bolton, every day is a bad one but again, we like to look at the positives.

in my family, Wednesday the 18th was the day of bad luck so we vowed to stay indoors to keep ourselves alive on that day. unfortunately, after we’d bolted up the doors and hidden the key, we realised that we’d actually locked a tiger in our house and it ate my sister.

shit happens. Bury should learn from this.

finally, i believe that some Bury and Rochdale fans had a bet to see who would finish higher this season and the money would go to charity. i would like to suggest a Nigerian charity that this money could go to.

the charity helps to locate Nigerian tribespeople who are believed to have been kidnapped by Vampires and sold as prostitutes in Eastern Europe. and people say that the Brits get all the good stuff?

it is called ‘Save All Tribespeople - Nigerians against vampires’ (SATNAV) and I believe them to be a worthy cause so get donating.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, March 23, 2007

curriculum vitae conundrums

hello Bury fans!

i haven’t been around for a while as I broke my hand in a freak girl freaking accident. after stripping her naked she revealed that she was a Rochdale fan so I hit her as hard as I could in the face, breaking my knuckles in the process.

i must clarify that I do not usually hit women (although all my exes back home in Nigeria have felt the black of my hand) but she’d quite clearly lied to me when I asked her if she was ashamed of anything or if she had anything to confess. why ruin the moment when I’ve finally got her kit off (it was the new England one)?

what has been happening at Bury FC? kicked out of the FA Cup for picking a bastard and then selling Dave Mattis to Barnsley. now look what has happened?

one good thing to seemingly come out of this was the fact that the clubs media manager Gordon Sorefeet was quitting his job which meant that I had the opportunity to submit my CV to the club to become the first ever Nigerian webmaster not only in Bury but in the whole of the world (outside Nigeria). i had heard that Gordon was leaving to become the new driver for the royal family.

i listed my qualifications and wrote about my experience editing a farming website back home (Nigeria) and my qualities in bed with women which my flatmate said could perhaps go down well. i had some damn good ideas for run out music which we could perhaps have a vote on.

i didn’t hear back. initially I wondered if I had been turned down because of the colour of my skin (although the Bury chairman would not have known this as my photo was in black and white) but then worried that I didn’t have the expertise of using photoshop or clipart to put together a 64 page colour programme with match action images on 45 of them.

i then sat down and pondered the thought that as I didn’t have any past tales about not having an internet line down at Torquay, how a Jaffa cake looked like Liam Robinson or how me and my partner once had a threesome with Zinedine Zidane whilst he wore a Bury shirt with Sorefeet on the back, i may be limited to what I could offer to the hordes of Bury fans using the internet worldwide.

i couldn’t do that to them so I withdrew my application and it appears now they had to bring the current occupier of the post back. oh well. at least he was always first and fast with the news.

unlike my Doctor who has only just confirmed that I DO have crabs from that damn Daley. and all I did was finger her.

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

aim high

hello Bury fans!

well Christmas has past and I’ve returned to England following a couple of weeks back home in an African country called Nigeria. you may have heard of it.

Christmas is about making dreams come true and I think it was a message from God that forced my return flight from Lagos to be diverted to the Cameroon capital Yaoundé.

whilst there, I had an impromptu game of football with two skinny Cameroonian boys on the airport apron outside. security isn’t as strict in African airports as an ex-friend of mine discovered when he was able to deliver hard core pornography to an Al-Qaeda group hidden below a McDonalds in Cairo.

they were keen to become the stars of English football and hearing that I was on my way to Manchester, they begged and cleaned my shoes before I agreed to letting them fly back home with me in the hope of getting a trial for Manchester Utd or the other club that they knew in Manchester, FC United.

they were to be disappointed though. not only did they not realise until they had sat down that they hadn’t pre-ordered a hot meal on the plane, to their horror, they had read the news article I was reading about Bury’s expulsion from the FA Cup.

this seemed more than a little unfair to them so they decided that it would be better to help out the Shakers by becoming the princes of Gigg Lane and then being sold on to a big English club for millions of pounds.

Mapi Isacce “Get down wid it” Mopi and Mbhangha “bust a groove” Belmondo claimed that their skills on the football pitch were like a sexy African beat and hoped that they’d be able to become the first African stars to grace the Gigg Lane turf. they’d previously washed dishes at Cameroon outfit Sahel FC de Maroua and once spotted Roger Milla walking a camel through Milgaté. not the shopping centre, a small Northern town in Cameroon known for its high number of teenage pregnancies and single mothers. a bit like Radcliffe but with less takeaways.

Mapi and Mbhangha (I met his sister too, I’dbanga) will be at Gigg Lane for a little while and will be able to play in a reserve game or two once Bury have sorted the paper work out. let’s just hope that Bury send in the correct spelling of their names or we could end up having some made-up players playing for us! how odd would that be?

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

fa fools!

hello Bury fans!

i thought things were going well for the Shakers until I heard that we were being thrown out of the FA Cup for fielding an illegitimate player.

this is not allowed back home in Nigeria either. the Nigerian FA set up a mixed sex league but some players ended up pregnant when the games became more physical and the tackles came flying in. for a short while the FA dealt with this problem by ensuring that all the males ejaculated prior to the game commencing. there were some unusual scenes in the dressing rooms let me tell you!

the league was eventually cancelled though because the English FA claimed the rights to it but didn’t succeed in setting up their own version because they couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

evidence of this was angrily reported in a Nigerian newspaper when they discovered that the FA had organised a Christmas knees up at a local beer brewers which resulted in one of the female workers ending up the duff. so the FA were just as poor at sorting these things out as their counterparts back in Lagos.

still, the English FA covered this story up by claiming that in fact Newcastle winger Damien Duff’s girlfriend was expecting a child so they weren’t as honest as Bury have been were they?

i am devastated by the news that if the appeal is not successful, the club will not be able to play Ipswich Town in the FA cup. i should add that my Nigerian pen pal Obehi flew over to England especially to watch Bury’s replay against Chester City. he had to sell his farm, his wife and reluctantly his Gameboy Advanced to pay for his plane and match tickets.

so show some sympathy you tight gets. give Obehi his money back (he may be able to afford to return home then as he can’t find a job here as nobody seems to need admin assistants) or put Bury back in the FA cup!

visit here and sign the petition! i have!

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, December 01, 2006

run for your life!

hello Bury fans!

now, do not think I am begging here but I am hoping that some of you will support me on this.

i plan to enter the next London marathon and raise some money for some poor families back home in Nigeria which is where I originally came from if you are not aware of this already.

i don’t think many Africans have ran a marathon in England before but I am now thinking about what crazy costume I could wear as I believe that this is obligatory.

perhaps I could wear the Robby the Bobby costume and run around the streets of London in it (during the marathon)? what has happened to this? the first time I saw it was at my first Bury game which was Bury versus Yeovil and we won 3-1 with David Nugent scoring all four goals. he was stood near two chubby girls who perhaps needed to join a gym. one looked like a cheerleader and the other was apparently called Hannah.

i was recently cruising around one night looking for some hoe’s after I discovered that B & Q wasn’t now open after 8PM when I spotted a fat guy with a hairy forehead running around dressed up as a charity bag. i wasn’t expecting to see this during an evening looking for equipment for the university garden but it hit me that perhaps he too was training for the London Marathon? maybe Holcombe Brook is the place to wear silly costumes and run freely without ridicule?

it is great that Bury have seemingly turned the corner and are enjoying some success on the pitch. not only are the team playing well but a local man has played the lottery well too!

back home, my grandfather once won a small prize on the Nigerian lottery and was delighted to receive his reward of two chickens and a cock as well as a green ink Parker pen.

our new local millionaire would be able to help the club out immensely and suggest to Sky that they stop showing rubbish FA Cup replays.

maybe the Hardman who won the money would like to support me too? i’ll nip round to his pub later with some buckets.

actually, can anybody help me out with a spare one?

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

accept everyone!

hello Bury fans!

back home in Nigeria, one of our favourite things to do on a Sunday was to visit the local farmers market where you could buy a farmer to pile up the hay on your land. my grandfather came from a farming background and wanted me to follow in his footsteps and he used to say “Rudi, give up those dreams of yours about a move to England. i’ve heard that they don’t like blacks over there,” but I told him he was wrong and I’ve been proven correct. i’ve been made very welcome. the women in particular have welcomed me into their homes with open arms and legs.

i have been impressed with the different types of people in England although some kinds are less tolerable than others.

i shouted ‘goths’ at some people stood on the street last week but they turned out to be scallies. they picked up the nearest thing to them which happened to be a sword which they were using to cut through the railings of what I think was a vineyard in Cheetham Hill.

my quick thinking forced me under the cover of an empty market stall, under which I found myself keeping quiet with three Albanians, Lisa Stansfield, somebody who looked like Osama bin Laden and a Pole who promised he WAS going to get a job.

when I looked out, the scallies had gone and i headed back home to my student accommodation.

i spotted a web site recently that had t-shirts for sale with Bury cult hero faces on them. i was thinking how great it would be for me to get a t-shirt with a picture of myself on it so all the Bury fans know who I am when I go to the games.

my grandfather would have been so proud to see my face on the world wide web and would perhaps have spent more time with my grandmother to share in his joy rather than going out and spending his money on hookers. he told me that if I could move half as fast as him in the sack when I reached his age, he’d be proud of me (even though he’d be dead).

to be honest though, he wouldn’t have been able to use the internet as it isn’t very good in Nigeria and this is one of the reasons more people haven’t heard about Bury FC. you'd either have dial up internet at home taking about 2 hours for the yahoo homepage to load or somebody would steal your internet token in a cafe to sell for bread or if all that had gone then simply rock moss would be a satisfactory form of nourishment.

if you ever visit Nigeria and see people licking the road, it’s not because they’ve been battered by scallies, it’s because they’ve ran out of food.

good luck Bury fans!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

ground floor!

hello Bury fans!

university life is becoming very busy at the moment. people come and go and buzz about without a care in the world for what is going on around them. they are all so focussed on completing their next assignment, handing in library books, sat around a bong smoking cock or registering new students that they wouldn’t have noticed had the only Nigerian on the site got stuck in the lift and remained there for nearly 36 hours with only a bottle of Ribena and some Minstrels to keep him company. how the five of us and all those brass instruments managed to fit into that small space I’ll never know. it was a real racket.

as I knew they wouldn’t believe my reason for why my essay was late I had to make up a new excuse so said that my goat had died. that didn’t work either but they sort of believed it as a health inspector came knocking at the halls of residence asking for a Kriss Akabussi. did they just make that name up or something?

i received an unwanted gift at a student union party and felt that I should perhaps give it away to somebody who may desire such an item. so here is the first ever Odebayo competition!

to win a Metallica t-shirt signed by Terry Wogan just answer the following question: -

which country do I originally come from?

A) Nigeria
B) Norway
C) Nicaragua
D) Nugent
E) Nigeria

it is great that Bury have been picking up points lately as a good result at the weekend always brightens up my week. i went onto the Bury website and printed off a picture of goal scoring Christian Glynn Hurst to put on my wall. i blew it up to A3 size but now it just looks like one of those magic eye pictures. i keep looking at it and keep seeing an image of Winnie Mandela leaping out at me.

Hurst has been a miracle since he joined us and apparently he goes to church every Sunday and prays to God. as long as he keeps praying, we’ll keep on scoring I reckon. i’m a follower of God too (as well as Bury) but he didn’t get me out of that bloody lift did he? i missed a blind date that my friends had set up with me with a supermodel they called Kate Moose.

apparently she’s now on the catering course and plans to bake me a Bury FC themed birthday cake if she doesn’t eat it first! her cooking must be THAT good!

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

knicker bicker

hello Bury fans!

sometimes I think I’m just misunderstood. it’s hard being an alien near York (which is where I was visiting when I met Abbie). i was staying with a friend and on a night out I met her in a club and later on I took her home.

she lay back on the bed, purred and exposed her leopard print thong. she asked me to stroke her spots. i thought this was a somewhat unusual request but began to caress her chin.

she asked me what I was doing and I said I was having a go at her acne. she left soon after but I kept her 34d bra.

a few weeks ago I was having a quick read on another Bury message board. i think I’m banned from posting on it for being black. not sure to be honest.

anyway, it appears that there was an argument about Sheffield Utd’s Tony Robinson who was our ex-chairman. apparently he left Bury up shit creek without a whore.

i can’t imagine Robinson being that much of a troublemaker. i have watched him on Time Team digging up old relics and bones like some sort of ancient care home owner. i also saw him playing a comedy character in a children’s version of Robin Hood, an English hero from back then who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. rumour has it that this Robinson fella stole from the poor and gave to the rich. our current directors wouldn’t be like this I’m sure. none would sanction the recovery of old relics and none own care homes.

back home in Nigeria my neighbour Odeh was always finding ways to save money, perhaps even exploiting others at times.

he rang up Citreon for a quote on a new car and asked them to perhaps just send the parts and he’d put it together with his drill.

they said “no you idiot. ring Renault.”

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, September 08, 2006

frequently asked questions

hello Bury fans!

i’m sure you’ve often wondered when you’ve been lying on your sofa some nights, bored out of your brains, “why and how did Odebayo come to England in the first place?”

well one night I was sat watching the Nigerian show ‘Big Brotha’ in my old house. it is a show about a group of weirdoes locked in a large barn with each other for three months. they all try to cop off with each other, fight and feed a variety of animals namely goats and foreign oil worker hostages. the winner gets a work permit in England to work handing out dabs of aftershave in nightclub toilets - a dream come true for some of the more impoverished folk back home.

whilst tucking into a packet of new Cheese and Onion flavour Wankers Crisps, promoted by Nigerian football legend Nwankwo Kanu, I thought “I could do that”.

not starring in the popular television show desperately trying to deny my sexuality (I’m not gay, I like ALL women except massively fat ones), but spraying Old Spice onto the necks of drunken teenage clubbers frantically texting on their Burberry mobile phones. “i jst fkd Katy in v guys bogs! Lol! C U l8r.”

plenty of other things happened along the way but my journey pretty much began from there. i had a pen pal whose dad worked in England and he managed to ‘fast-track’ my Visa which was really kind of him considering he had never even seen me.

i started my university degree in Manchester and the rest is history (my course is Leisure and Tourism). of course I had chosen to support Bury because I was well aware of their FA Cup wins at the start of the last century and I found this to be highly inspirational.

i had been extremely lucky in managing to visit this great country and I wanted others like me to be able to experience it too. and the key was football. if they trained hard, mended their popped footballs and stopped molesting girls through boredom if the ball burst they could achieve glory.

i can imagine Bury players did the same thing when they were young. i can picture Barry Brian-Murphy trying to cop a grope up a young Irish lasses latex skirt on a night out in the cheaper areas of Dublin and being slapped across the face and shouted at. “you footballers are all the same. why not go and play in England and stop pestering us,” Dolores would cry.

i’m not saying that all footballers are like this. it’s the better role models throughout the leagues such as Lee Trundle, Craig Bellamy, El-Hadji Diouf and Luke Rodgers who should be the spark needed for the young Nigerians in desperate need for a new direction. there would be plenty of fireworks to celebrate back home in Lagos if stronger links could be created between England and my home (Nigeria).

i think I may be wasted in Leisure and Tourism.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

putting my foot in it

hello Bury fans!

how disappointing were we for the first four league games? Bury have now even begun to affect my love life.

i met a lovely girl in Barratts in Manchester the other day. she was trying on a pair of stilettos. her feet were perfect. smooth and petite. pink painted and trimmed toenails. i once knew a guy in Nigeria whose nails were so long he could plough potatoes with them.

later, back at my place she took off her dress to reveal a pair of stockings. i think she was old fashioned. as I climbed on board I asked her name. Mona she replied. and she certainly was.

she was beautiful. long brown hair, green eyes. she said she was from Bolton. she couldn’t be. her fanny was so fresh.

we made love for hours. me on top, her on top, doggy style, the wheelbarrow and my speciality; the Graham Barrow. she loved how I whipped my long balls deep into her area.

by then though I had begun to be concerned. not that the pleasure should end prematurely but because of Bury’s plight at the bottom although by then I was enjoying my time in hers.

i had already made eleven marker pen dots on her back with Fettis nestled between those two little dimples above her rear. her hair pushed aside to cater for Bishop and Youngs. God knows what she thought I was doing to her.

later she told me I really knew how to satisfy a woman. i said that back home I’d pleased my mother for about twenty years. clearly misunderstanding me she was disgusted and left in a hurry, the door slamming shut behind her.

i kept her stilettos though. it saves money on buying presents at Christmas. i may even be able to afford to go to Accrington on Boxing Day. whoever they are.

good luck Bury fans!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Nugent not a gent

hello Bury fans!

well it seems like, as was the case last year, that we have suffered a poor start to our league season and the finger of blame can be pointed at just one person - David Nugent.

had Nugent not decided to better himself and move to the West End we could well have been chasing promotion this season.

i got talking to a Bury fan whilst at Sandy’s Superstars escort parlour the other week. he said he was just there to relax and calm down and said he posted on the message boards sometimes, either as Colin Marrison or somebody who hated Oldham.

he said that we should blame Eaves. i said “whose Eaves?” and he just said “yes”. all very confusing for a Nigerian. i wish some people would speak more slowly or just shut up completely. highly annoying. thankfully he left for his booking soon after with his lady calling him through 30 minutes later than the time he’d arranged. he angrily said he was going to give her a mouthful.

i returned home the other week to find my e-mail inbox completely jammed with spam. many of the messages were apparently from Nigerians claiming that I was in their will.

one of my casual sex friends also received such a message, saying that she would receive £850,000 to secure her future if she sent her account details to a Mrs Eata Onionbaji in Lagos.

the clue to this scam is in the name. Eata is not a name from the province that Lagos, where she claims to be from, is located. It is a name from the NORTHERN province of Hausa. some people are just plain stupid.

however, I think that should Bury receive £850,000 for the future sale of David Nugent, we could well change the direction of this football club. whilst these untrustworthy fake ‘Nigerians’ try to con us out of our money via e-mail, I urge Neil Warnock, who sounds like a great man, to come in and bid for Nugent.

perhaps Warnock could take over our club and guide us to success and glory like he has done at Sheffield Wednesday and on the board at Wigan Warriors? he’s obviously got an eye for talent.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Rudi returns!

hello Bury fans!

i bet you didn’t think that I’d return did you? neither did i to be honest as I’ve spent most of the summer rummaging through bushes in deepest darkest Nigeria. i did intend to take my laptop to do some essays whilst on the trail of my missing father but the extension cable only managed to go as far as the front door.

shame I didn’t have some other form of contact with home as just five hours after packing by bags and wandering into the woodland he turned up didn’t he. apparently he took a left at the lights rather than a right and was temporarily accused of invading Cameroon.

as I flew back to England during which i suffered the misfortune of burning my face on a complimentary hot towel, I considered my application to the most popular Nigerian football magazine to do the season preview for Bury’s division next season, League 4.

the fourth tier of English football is something that appears to have been overlooked by the best football magazine hitting the newsstands of Lagos. in fact it is the only Nigerian football magazine as the other one changed its focus and became porn/snooker magazine ‘Potting the Black’.

upon my return to England I had received an e-mail from ‘Eagle Soccer’ who said that it would be a good idea to do the preview and encouraged me to increase my contacts with the club and perhaps become the first Nigerian to ever play in the lower divisions of English football.

that, they said, would be an article worth reading and a story that would inspire my fellow Nigerians to believe that they too could one day pay a visit to Spotland on a Tuesday night armed with just a tray of French fries and some handy five pound notes.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

the journey begins!

hello Bury fans!

well it has been a long hard season for Bury FC and I for one are hoping for a happy ending at Nottingham Forest on Saturday.

who would have thought that one day we would be battling against relegation and hoping to send a former European Cup winner down into non-league football instead of us. back home in Nigeria, Forest were a well known team and children were taught in schools that the manager of the club was Robin Hood who stole from the bitch and gave to the poor. did he break up from his wife?

to be honest education was quite weak back home. they also taught children how to throw spears, stick cartoon faces on stray animals and how to use condoms properly and who they should be used on. i got 100% attendance in that lesson.

it has been of course a long hard year for Odebayo too and I have now completed by second year of study at university. with one more year to go, I still have time to cock it up. with one game to go, so have Bury.

i will be hoping to get to more Bury games next season just as long as I don’t get shot at when I make the long trek to visit friends in Moss Side next week for an end of year party. it makes Lagos look like El Dorado. or even Eastenders.

speaking of parties, I hear that the Bury directors have very kindly put on a free pie and peas supper following Saturdays game. do you think that a Nigerian (me) would be allowed in? if yes, maybe it would be a good idea to bring a photograph of me to put up in the new Legends bar at Gigg Lane?

the first Nigerian ever to visit Gigg Lane. Rudi Odebayo.

Gaily bedight, a gallant knight,

In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long, singing a song,
In search of El Dorado.

Edgar Allen Poe, 1849

i must thank you all for reading about the life that means so much to me and for all messages of support. my own quest begins next week when I return home (Nigeria) next week for a very important reason. i shall be staying there for the summer looking for news on my lost father who has been taken away by rebels.

when I told my fat friend Donna about this, for some reason she said Maltesers were nicer. maybe I should seek these people and beg for their help? they will be my only allies.

have a nice summer.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, April 07, 2006

the drive to success

hello Bury fans!

you’ll all be pleased to hear that i’ve been busy taking driving lessons so that a whole new world of employment opportunities is opened up to me.

i did pass my test back home in Nigeria but you cannot use that license over here. back in my village I used to drive what could only be described as a new Ford Volkswagen™. it had air conditioning (no glass), power steering (a small slave boy who helped to turn the wheel) and one previous owner who was pointed out to me at the funeral by his widow.

once I have passed my test, I hope to perhaps become the first Nigerian Bury FC supporters coach driver. i’d paint the bus green, get a private registration plate (0debay0) and fit a wicked sound system to get the ladies shakin’ their asses on the way to the game.

maybe sometimes I could drive the team bus during next seasons promotion campaign? i’d like to see Brian Barry-Murphy breaking into a sweat as he body pops up and down the aisle. i’ve yet to see that particular player break into a sweat on the football pitch which is a bit of a surprise considering the name written on his shirt weighs a lot more than the others. back home in Nigeria, I had a team mate called Phineas Akinsanya-Palassa or Pap to his friends and his shirt looked like it had been stolen from the set of ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’, a hit movie just released back home in Nigeria.

every time I see a Bury player not trying hard for the team, I think about Pap who would have given his right leg to become a professional footballer. Pap sadly didn’t end his life with a right leg as he got savaged by a giant stray Yorkshire terrier that had leapt off a boat picking up cargo in Lagos. Pap met a tragic end moments later when he fell off the side of the docks in agony and got hit by a pedalo. it’s hard to believe that this recreational form of transport had found its way into a busy sea port.

speaking of Barry-Murphy i hear that our manager has given the hair dryer treatment to our players after some poor displays recently. this reminded me of when I recently went to get my Afro (this is a technical term) tidied up at the hairdressers and they kept the curlers in for too long and my hair ignited. it looked somebody had had an accident with a match whilst holding a microphone.

i was delighted to hear that Bury had signed four new players on deadline day in the hope that they would give the side a boost and was interested to read about how they did. congratulations to Ross, Gobern, Pugh and Gilks who all caused problems for Rochdale should the newspapers be believed.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

lights! camera! Odebayo!

hello Bury fans!

i have decided to begin a ‘kick racism out of messageboards’ campaign (KROM) to ensure that everybody can post freely and happily but without discrimination of this nature. i have begun to write a speech for the announcement and it involves wiping the letters R, A, C, I, S and M (Racism) off the keyboard.

this is a matter of importance to me and those keys should never be used again is what I shall say to those who choose to follow.

o f o now on, un l get bo ed of t, i h ll type l ke th .

already I have changed my mind. this would confuse some people, even those that use ‘text speak’.

do I have to understand ‘text speak’ to subscribe to the official Bury Football Club text service? as you can tell sometimes, my English isn’t always brilliant having not lived over here for too long and I do not want to get confused if the messages are in this form of language.

i have already seen one of the texts on a friends mobile phone and it said ‘BBM SUB 55’. this kind of language belongs on a dyslexic scrabble board.

anyway, all of this is a little too serious for me as I am a happy sort of person who just loves to enjoy Bury FC and tell you stories about my life. racism should only be discussed if we are trying to get rid of it and not when trying to promote it (Mr B Pudding – if that is your real name).

i hear that some people think that we will be in League Two next season. safe from relegation? we’re not safe until the fat lady sings. Margaret Napkin, our fans liaison officer should arrange a party to celebrate should we avoid the drop. we could all wear a label so that we know who each other really is.

i have now received over 50 e-mails from people telling me that they are enjoying my tales which bring the people of Nigeria and Bury together as one. another 50 of them and I’ll be as popular as ‘Dude, Where's My Car?’

speaking of movies, I have begun to write a screenplay about my journey from a small village in Africa to a city in England before finally supporting and playing for the local football club, the Mighty Shakers. i have started to compile a list of some of the best thespians in the world to play the characters in my story. this will be an equal opportunities film.

the list so far, in order of appearance: -

Will Smith – Mr Odebayo
Whoopi Goldberg – Mrs Odebayo
Myself – Rudi Odebayo
Scarlett Johansson – Girlfriend 1
Liz Hurley – Girlfriend 2
Angelina Jolie – Girlfriend 3
Cameron Diaz – Girlfriend 4
Penelope Cruz – Girlfriend 5
Lucy Liu – One night stand
Charlize Theron – Nurse
Jenna Jameson – Gay male doctor

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, March 09, 2006


hello Bury fans!

i have just heard that I am now not allowed to tell people about my life on the official Bury FC message board as my topics of conversation (all true stories may I add) have proved too controversial.

to begin with, i thought this row was about my emission of Nigerian markets in the section about my home country and I was ready to apologise (again) for this. Nigeria has some wonderful markets which burst with energy, fill the air with wonderful scents and will always greet you with a smile even though you may lose yours when you return to the car park and realise that you won’t be able to drive home on the bricks that you discover there.

then, to my horror I discover that they have, as far as I have understood this discussion, banned me for being the first black poster on their message board!

this is disgusting and now many folk back home will continue to suffer as some people continue to bury their heads in the sand to the problems my people have to deal with. it now seems that I will never have the opportunity to become the first Nigerian to set foot on the turf at Gigg Lane.

i feel deeply saddened by this but thank people (who are now my friends) for their wonderful comments and support via my website and the Y3K website. i don’t have much that I can offer in return (my sister is already married), but I shall continue posting about my love of Bury FC and my enjoyment of this country, which on the whole doesn’t reflect the racism now seemingly associated with the moderators of the official message board.

my mother used to warn that if you couldn’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. she thought Ajayi from the next village must have been a real nasty piece of work until a few years ago she discovered that he’d been born mute. my grandmother misheard her and thought he’d been born with some sort of tail and lived in a swamp. life was crazy for a while.

in general, it has been a bad week for me as a few nights ago I returned to my student accommodation to find that somebody had stolen my Terry Venables model, my atlas and numerous other valuable items. the most distressing thing of all was the fact that somebody had stolen some letters from my grandfather and my list of favourite Bury players surnames. my favourite is Anyinsah.

this is not the first time that I’ve experienced crime since moving to England from Nigeria. one of the dodgier guys on my course was arrested in Toys ‘R’ Us when the security staff caught him with a Woody down his pants. he claimed that he had all the other Toy Story characters but couldn’t afford to buy this one.

i was stunned to hear that we had Casper in net at Shrewsbury. perhaps that after his career ending injury, he was trained to just stand in the area and deal with crosses.

a similar thing happened to a young lad called Amadi when I was at school back home (Nigeria). his family was quite rich as his dad worked on an oil rig and he had Sky TV at home. we used to go round to his house to watch WWF wrestling. after it had finished we’d go and play football and if he didn’t go in net we’d whip the back of his legs with nettles, cover him with honey and throw him to the bees. Amadi moved to England soon after, threatening that he’d get his own back one day. i think he joined the army a few years ago.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Jesus cometh?

hello Bury fans!

i was thinking about a traditional Nigerian tale this afternoon during a daydreaming session.

a young boy is walking through the jungle when out of the undergrowth comes a tiger. it is beautiful with a wonderful orange and black silky fur coat, sharp teeth and pointy ears. the tiger stares at the food in the boys hand (he’s just returned from Wimpy).

the beast tells the boy that his family is starving and asks if he would be kind enough to give his food to the baby tigers so that they can survive. the boy agrees to help but after he wanders deeper into the jungle the tigers eat him because they don’t like the fries.

the moral of the story: don’t trust any tiger, especially ones that speak.

it’s the people that don’t speak much that are the most dangerous though. at the Bury match the other week I spotted a poor man wandering about in a stetson and shorts looking like he was dreaming that he owned the place. i thought that they’d been filming the sequel to Brokeback Mountain at the point in their lives when they’ve tucked into one too many Dominos pizzas.

he looked too busy to talk to people but you just never know what he’s thinking as he weaves in and out of the fans walking to the ground, moaning about ticket prices. he could be the kind of person who means harm and could perhaps sell the ground to build an ice rink or something. or on the other hand, he could be like the return of Jesus Christ, spreading joy, happiness and success to every corner of the globe but mainly this football club.

i don’t think it’s a coincidence that now that I’m a die hard Bury fan and watch matches now and again that somebody Jesuslike is now wandering around our ground. i don’t often talk about my mother as it is difficult for me to speak of her without the tears running as I picture her working in the mills but she always said that wherever I would go, as long as I was kind, Jesus would follow and protect me.

because of this, I would like to invite this strange travelling man to come and stay with me in my student accommodation which may only just surpass the dinginess that this man may be used to but will always have a warm bed, running water and a never ending supply of tissues for him to enjoy. sometimes I may be in the bed with a woman but it’s better than sleeping with the enemy which in his case is probably dirty drug eating crack whore bitches. hopefully he’ll accept my offer and we can soon be listening to Gangster rap together and wishing for better times where we are both loved and trusted by all.

thank you mother. you were loved.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

eat well or die hungry

hello Bury fans!

i have just discovered that the disabled girl in my lectures at university is a Bolton Wanderers fan and judging by the size and smell of her (she can’t wash), it looks like she ate everybody wandering in Bolton. because of this (her football elegance not her body odour), I no longer push her to the lecture and just leave her downstairs. i’m not completely heartless though as I do send her the lectures live via video phone after she calls to ask me where I am.

people think she is lovely but I know that she has a nasty side to her as a couple of days ago I caught her and a few of her friends in wheelchairs ‘happy ramming’ a couple of chavs outside the Tesco Express on Oxford Road and filming it on their mobile phones. i do sometimes sit near her at lunch though but I often catch her looking over at me enviously as I finger my black pudding but seeing her as aggressive as she was on the pavement that day, I keep myself to myself and avoid eye contact (she also has three eyes).

that same night I got a bit of hot loving. the lady started to giggle when she took off her brassier and underwear and said that she’d had a turtle wax. her laughter at what she said was a joke must really have been through embarrassment as it looked more like a straight line than a reptile.

i managed to get to the Barnet game at the weekend and this was my first match for a while. you may have spotted me? i was the Nigerian.

i have also heard from a friend who said that he went to the GAM this week? is this the Generally Angry Meeting? i have heard that this meeting was supposed to be very important to the club but it turned into a farce when important people left the room.

now, back home my grandmother used to say that you shouldn’t start something that you can’t finish and she’d often slap me across the back of my head as I tucked into a three course meal that she’d had sent over from the village. this was her way of exploiting the dial a meal system that pensioners can take advantage of as it was supposed to be her food and not mine.

a three course meal in our family tended to start with rice and end with rice with a nice rice portion stuck in the middle and if I ate slowly during the first portion, she’d take it away from me, tell me to wash my hands and go and play by myself which I did pretty much non-stop until I got a girlfriend.

perhaps the people who play for and run the Shakers should listen to some further advice from my grandmother which may help improve the clubs fortunes. she said that if you don’t eat healthily, everything else will crumble in on you and this was perhaps true in her case as we often found her teeth amongst the leftovers.

some people like my grandmother are put on this planet to serve as a warning to others and as I sit here sipping Robinson’s orange barley water, I realise that unless we heed such warnings, the same things will happen over and over again. she was a sucker for a toffee apple but can’t chew anything now which, for some reason my grandfather says is a god send. he said that if I liked, he’d give me a full account someday, leaving no important details out.

good luck Bury fans!

Friday, February 17, 2006

love hurts

hello Bury fans!

like everything else, Bird flu has taken it’s time to arrive in Nigeria but it’s there and it’s clucking annoying everybody. i found out after giving my grandfather a call to see if he’d managed to fix the well after my grandmother had dropped a cheetah cub into it by accident. she’d inadvertently managed to steal it from Shagamu zoo after she picked the animal up instead of her glasses case. my grandfather said that the village doctor was doing tests.

now, doctors back home aren’t exactly of the same quality of the NHS and they’ve been feeding seeds to local residents to see who likes and dislikes them. he told me that the doctor thought he’d found a large outbreak at a hen party in the capital but they were all just bladdered on Gulder Lager.

the old saying from back home is “a papaya a day keeps the doctor away”. this must have worked as there was no bird flu in the village.

the combination of Valentines Day and the bird flu epidemic got me worried and I began to think about my old love that I left behind before coming to England. she was beautiful, like a young Moira Stewart but nicer and when we were young we used to get the bus to Lagos and dance into the early hours at which point the driver would kick us off. we didn’t have much money back then but she was happy to be taken out for a nice bowl of rice and some pop.

she has apparently become a successful businesswoman and she was always full of ideas back then. she is the kind of person who could make a fortune for Bury FC.

she used to organise raffles and tombolas for the local youth club and perhaps these are the kind of suggestions we could send to our new fans liaison officer Margaret Napkin although I’m told she isn’t as fit as she used to be (just like Moira Stewart) and it takes her a while to get to her computer to reply to you.

Akanke was a real dream. her name rolls off the tongue as easily as she rolled onto mine. she always made the most out of situations. right now she’ll be somewhere putting aside the slaughtered diseased chickens ready to be made into soup for the old peoples home. once they have died, she’d probably organise the construction of a Whacky Warehouse or a sports hall. she was a very resourceful lass. let’s hope that our own wonder woman can prove to be as much of a success for this club before it’s too late as she may die and leave us all spitting feathers.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

lay back and think of Nigeria

hello Bury fans!

the news that Nigeria have been knocked out of the African Cup of Nations was disappointing to me. as some of you may know, I am from Nigeria and therefore still have the country in my heart and wanted my team to do well. Unfortunately, the Super Eagles’ defeat by the dirty, cheating goat molesters from the Ivory Coast has not gone down too well back home. my grandfather said that thousands of people had been taking Nigeria shirts back to the new All Sports store in Lagos which is just next door to McDonalds (the goat burgers are said to be great washed down with the new McTurpentine) and Starbucks.

disgusted by the sides poor performance, many of the population have threatened never to go back to work again and the lack of stitchers would delay the completion of the new Nike 2006 World Cup football which was expected to be ready by May. i should add here that not all Nigerians are lazy layabouts. only last week I offered to sweep and clean the whole of the local hairdresser’s salon for a free cut and blow.

i was chatting to my flatmate the other day whilst watching a nature programme on the television and he said that if I was gay (which I’m not as I have had penetration with at least two straight women since I moved to Manchester) and got married to the guy on the television who then took my surname, he’d be called Bill Odebayo!

the conversation swiftly moved on and with the side struggling at the moment I began to think of ways to perhaps improve their performance. one of the aforementioned females saw a picture of the Bury players in a programme that I had bought prior to a visit to Gigg Lane last season and she said that we had a lot of good looking footballers. maybe it would be a good idea for our players not to use up their energy by having sex during the period before the game. she also said that she once dated a footballer and never slept with him during the period.

my flatmate told me that he had met Justin Fashanu once in Atlanta, USA and he said that he had never had sex with a woman throughout his career and he scored a lot of goals so it shows that this could perhaps work wonders for our chances of scoring.

it is funny how things off the pitch affect what happens on it and viseversa. for example we’ve stopped seeing our friend Alan as since he lost his job he’s stopped being the life and sole of the party (he used to dress up as a fish when it was fancy dress) and now just moans and puts people down.

he was a very good coach for the university football team and when we began to under perform, he took it personally and it affected his home life and his work until he couldn’t function properly and he was dismissed having lost all the support of his friends. he ‘lost it’ a bit and during this time he was caught sat under a table in the canteen pleasuring himself with a whisk.

just like football (as our players will find out if they don’t turn things around), people won’t want to have anything to do with you if you are miserable or you don’t work hard at your job. i mean, who would you prefer to hang around with? Alan A who would always have a kind word to say and was friendly and generous to everybody he met or Alan B, a moaning sod whose depressing midlife crisis has started early and has to take his anger out on others?

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

a poem for the plagued

hello Bury fans!

it has come to my attention that some of you haven’t been happy with some of the comments in my blog having posted on what is known as the Official Bury FC message board that I recently discovered and now, having done my research I think I perhaps understand what all the fuss was about.

i didn’t realise that bringing up Bruce Grobbelaar would be such a touchy subject until I discovered that he once cost Bury a game at Birmingham when he was covering for the regular goalkeeper. for this I apologise but thankfully he isn’t Nigerian as that would tarnish by birth country’s name.

before coming to England to study I didn’t realise how seriously you took your football. back home, if the referee annoyed somebody, the fans would just shoot him and not think of the consequences for their club. Jeff Winter would be a dead man, no matter the season.

i think I should also use this website as a forum to discuss something that is close to my heart (but thankfully not too close) and that is the AIDS situation on my continent.

AIDS is no laughing matter. i regularly support AIDS research charities such as the one at this link and like to find out about the latest news. i sometimes even write poetry such as this one. i trust you’ll like it.

AIDS. You once took away a friend.
My heart, now it will not mend.
Leave this Earth well alone.
And return the smiles that you took from home.

AIDS. Why do you hurt us so?
Leaving us lifeless in the snow.*
Empty souls looking down from the trees.
Where is our help? God help us please.

By Rudi Odebayo

* this is a Nigerian with the disease who has managed to fund a skiing trip to Austria.

AIDS should not be swept under the carpet and people should be made aware of it. if it is not discussed, how can we pull together in the same direction? my Uncle Ben always wore long trousers and it was believed that he was born with three legs but he was never asked to reveal his extra one and it was never talked about until he won the village sack race and was rewarded with the keys to the local rice factory. my other uncle, Joe said that we shouldn’t be ashamed of him and we should celebrate the differences between people and handed out mints to everybody, but my third uncle didn’t agree so we left him to fester.

despite being a bit grumpy, he had some very successful motivational techniques for the local football team that he managed. he used to make the lazier players wear barbed wire underpants and this kept them on their toes. on my last visit to Gigg Lane, Dwayne Mattis seemed to have a similar problem and could perhaps benefit from such a revolutionary idea. either that or the cattle prod which my uncle used to use on his wife to get her in and out of bed.

good luck Bury fans!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

establishing links with Nigeria

hello Bury fans!

i am sure that like me you are enjoying the riveting action of the African Cup of Nations and cheering on the side representing my home nation which is Nigeria. i doubt that many people will pretend to be a Nigerian unless you are old and senile but I can imagine there will be plenty of glory hunting Africans who will change their nationality to cheer us on after we win the tournament.

we have just disposed of the cheating and evil Ghanaians, some of which happen to be good players whilst others only play in the hope that their side will get the chance to tour a European country and they can leg it. i’m sure that this wouldn’t happen if they visited Bury as the world famous police force would keep a close eye on them and not let them escape.

we had begun the second half of our 1-0 win with “menacing intent” according to BBC reporter Farayi Mungazi and this reminded me of the last tour that my old side went on before I moved over here (from Nigeria) to study.

Uche was known to be the prankster of the group and after dark, he would creep around the camp pretending to be a horny Nelson Mandela. sometimes he would go too far and on one particular occasion he began to play with my balls in the dark which had been given to me by my grandfather a few years earlier. nobody was allowed to open my sack and touch them, not even my girlfriend at the time.

we never wanted to be chosen to sleep in Uche’s tent but it was the luck of the draw. Uche was a very good winger and had a spell at a lower league French club called FC Poitiers before he got kicked out because he was sending hair gel back home to his starving family.

this has got me thinking though. Perhaps it would be a good idea for Bury to join forces with Nigerian universities and to offer trials to young Nigerian football stars? it would be great for Bury FC to be able to bring an African footballer to Gigg Lane (not a Ghanaian) and I would bring my Nigerian flag to the matches in the hope that he would spot me and befriend me and we could then go out cruising for women in his car.

i hope that you’ll all be cheering on the Nigeria national side when we take on Zimbabwe on Friday. Zimbabwe as you know are not in the good books of Tony Blair and this country. after we hand them a beating on the football pitch, perhaps England could move in and invade the country with the main intent being the discovery of the next Bruce Grobbelaar or Peter Ndlovu working on a local farm?

good luck Bury fans!